


I'll Always See You

by Crowleys_Girl



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Accidents, Blind Character, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Breasts, Brotherly Love, Childhood Friends, Crying, Dean Winchester vs. Cat, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Developing Relationship, Dreams and Nightmares, Drunken Confessions, Eating Disorders, Eavesdropping, Emotions, F/M, Fights, Finger Sucking, Flirting, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hunters & Hunting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Injury Recovery, Lesbian Character, Masturbation in Shower, Monsters, Moving Out, Multi, Oral Sex, Periods, Road Trips, Self-Harm, Sex, Sex in/on the Impala (Supernatural), Silence, Sixth Sense, Spells & Enchantments, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking, Thighs, Vaginal Fingering, Vibrators, Visions in dreams, Witches, Zoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:55:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24150067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowleys_Girl/pseuds/Crowleys_Girl
Summary: After an accident on a particularly difficult case, the reader is left blind. Now she must deal with the strange powers she develops and learn to live with the consequences of becoming blind. The relationship she has with the brothers is tested as she explores a life on her own, leaving the Winchester brothers heartbroken and grief-stricken but something keeps pulling her back to them and she fears the answer is right in front of her.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester/You, Dean Winchester/You, Sam Winchester/You
Comments: 17
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

"(Y/N)! NO!" Sam screamed as he lay helplessly bleeding out on the floor.

The last thing you saw was his scared face as you launched yourself at the witch.

You were gonna end this bitch once and for all.

The axe in your bruised arms made contact with her neck as you split it in half, but as you did, she cast one more spell. Shards of white light were expelled from her fingertips and before you could duck, they flew into your face, then the room went black.

That case was a month ago, it had hit you guys pretty hard. Sam was left with a deep gash in his leg, Dean broke his arm, and they both had to go to the hospital. You on the other hand were affected in a much different way. It turns out, the witch had casted a spell that left you blinded for who knows how long. It took a while for you to get used to the nothingness, but from weeks of recuperating in the bunker you learned to get around just fine.

You followed the smell of breakfast, running your hands along the wall until you ended up in the kitchen. The boys had gotten you a cane, but you hated using it in the bunker because you thought it was unnecessary. So you memorized the curves of the walls and the placement of the furniture, creating a map of it in your mind.

"Mornin'." You said to no one in particular.

You found a seat on an empty barstool at the kitchen island. You knew Dean was cooking by the rough sound of the spatula hastily scraping against the frying pan. Although you couldn't see Dean, you knew he looked like shit, and probably felt like it to. Not that Dean ever lost that fucking handsome face, no. You could hear it in the waver of his voice when he spoke sometimes. That raspy croak and the occasional breaks, he was beating himself up about getting you guys hurt. You'd wander the halls when you couldn't sleep some nights and you'd just hear his muffled sniffles. You couldn't do anything to help him, you knew for a fact that you just existing in their lives with those milky and distant eyes was a walking reminder of how he had failed his oath to protect the ones he loved. You would try and convince him, during the night, you'd sit by the door and beg him to stop beating himself up about it, but he wouldn't believe you. So you gave him space, knowing that if you couldn't heal him, you'd have to wait it out and let time do it's job. You knew Dean Winchester, he always came back around when he remembers there are so many other people out there who still need protecting.

You and Sam were a different story. He was a blank slate when it came to emotions. You couldn't read him whatsoever. You and him had been together before the accident but afterwards, you both drifted. He stopped sleeping in your bed, then soon after you could never find him anywhere after you'd search every room in the bunker. He hadn't spoke to you ever since the hospital trip and at first you thought he needed time to process it all but after the weeks flew by, your doubts started settling in. Did he not love you anymore, because of your blindness? You couldn't help the nagging feeling that he really didn't love you anymore.

A month had gone by and you had, had enough of the silence. You heard the clatter of a plate being placed in front of you along with some cutlery. You blindly cut the food and stabbed it harshly with the fork thinking about how fucking pissed you were that no one would talk to you. Then you heard someone gulp beside you followed by the sound of a glass being placed down on the counter. Then you smelled it, coffee and old books, Sam. You heard his chair scrape against the floor but you quickly reached out to tug on his shirt.

"No." You said harshly. "No, you are not leaving this time, not now. Sit your ass down right now and let's get things sorted." You heard the clang of Dean setting the pan down, then the stove being turned off, followed by his shuffling footsteps about to leave.

"You too Dean, you're not leaving either. Not until you talk." You waited anxiously to hear what Dean would do next and then you heard him sit on the stool beside you with a huff.

"I'm just gonna say what I gotta say..." You started. "...and you guys have to tell me what's on your minds and not the 'oh i'm just gonna go hide in my bedroom and watch porn' bullshit. I can't take this fucking silence anymore, okay? We're a team, that's what you said Dean. And we're a family, and if we're gonna get through this, we've gotta communicate. We've gotta support each other and right now it feels like I'm the only one making a damn effort." Your voice cracked as you felt the familiar sting of tears in your eyes, and you felt a lump form in your throat.

You couldn't continue, and you hated that tears were falling freely down your face. You felt weak, but you couldn't stop it anymore, all you heard was the same silence and you hated it. You felt so alone in that moment, alone and utterly vulnerable. You slammed your fist on the counter in frustration.

"Well talk goddammit! The silence is unbearable you know that?! How am I supposed to know if you shitbags are okay?! And-and" Your voice was coming in short hiccups. "-if you guys don't want me around anymore, if I'm just being a drag here, why don't you just tell it to my fucking face?! So I don't have to keep living this lonely, silent life while you assholes pretend I'm not here!"

Then you heard it, a sob, not from your mouth, it was Sam. You reached out an arm to hold him.

"Sam?" You hand caught his forearm and you turned your head in his direction.

You waited patiently for his sobs to die down. Then he murmured something you didn't quite hear.

"What?"

"I'm sorry." Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you. I-I didn't realize it hurt you that bad. And-and I've just been so scared of losing you for real, and-and I thought that if I-if I distanced myself from you, if I detached myself from you, it wouldn't hurt as bad. But, I was- I was so wrong and it hurts way worse, so I've been researching. That's what I've been doing ever since you got hurt, I've tried to find anything- anything to bring your vision back and I- I couldn't find anything. And- and I was so mad at myself that I couldn't find anything and I didn't wanna tell you, 'cause- 'cause I couldn't bear to see you disappointed." He let out a breath when he finished. You walked a hand up to his face and felt him nuzzle your palm.

"Sammy." You tutted. "You selfish shitbag."

"I deserved that."

"Hell yeah you did."

"But hey, you should have told me all this a long time ago. And yes, I might've been disappointed, but I also would have been thankful, that you tried your best. But vision or no vision, so long as I have you, I'm happy. Whether you like it or not, I love you and you've gotta deal with it." So smiled and grabbed his wrist, placing a small kiss on the inside of his wrist. Then you turned your head in Dean's direction.

"Dean, your turn."

Silence.

"Dean?" You reached for his arm. "Hey? What's goin' on in that head of yours?"

He shook slightly, but was otherwise silent.

You brought your arm up to put a hand on his cheek, only to find it wet with tears. You could feel his lips quivering with silent sobs.

"Hey, hey." You stood up to hug him, letting his head fall onto your shoulder. You felt hot tears soak the sleeve of your shirt and you slowly ran your fingers through his hair. It broke your heart holding Dean like this. The older Winchester was never this vulnerable which convinced you all the more that he was really hurting. You felt his arms wrap around you and felt his fingers clutch your shirt.

"Hey, Dean, I'm here. I'm okay." You rubbed circles on his shaking back.

"You're not okay (Y/N)." He sobbed into your shoulder. "You're blind now, and it's my fault."

"Hey, what'd I say about beating yourself up Winchester."

"Why shouldn't I? I deserve to be in pain, I almost got you guys killed."

"You don't deserve pain Dean. You're a good person." You held his face between your hands, trying your best to appear as though you were looking at him. "The reason Sam and I are still here with you is because you've protected us."

"But- but if I had- oh god, if I had just struggled through it...if I just got there a minute sooner I could've..." The words got stuck in his throat and just came out in a sob.

"Hey, Dean, you're human too. Your arm was trapped under that beam, and you and I both know there's nothing you could do. If there's one person to blame it's me, because you and Sam warned me about approaching her but I was stubborn, but more people could've gotten more hurt than just blinded and in that moment, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. It was my sacrifice and my sacrifice alone. I put myself there, you understand?" You felt him hiccup and then nod. "However, you've gotta talk to us Dean. You're just gonna hurt more if you keep in in there." You put your hand on his chest, feeling his shaky breaths and strong heartbeat under your fingertips.

"Promise me you'll talk to us okay Dean?"

"I promise." He whispered.

You wiped the few renegade tears falling from his eyes and kissed him on the forehead.

You felt a flutter of victory in your heart. The beginning of a journey to all of you truly healing had begun. You also knew that more than ever, the Winchester boys needed your help, and you would do everything in your power to patch them up again.


	2. Chapter 2

Another month had passed and the bunker had become less quiet. Dean had started talking to you and Sam again.  
You and Sam had been taking it slow. He was still sorting things out with himself and you were still sorting things out with yourself so you both decided to give each other space and take a break from the relationship until you were both stable enough. Most nights you'd wake up and roll over to snuggle Sam but realize your bed was empty and cold. Due to your loss of sight, you could no longer doodle in the dead of night. The brothers had gotten you a braille typewriter but you always felt so awful making a ruckus in the middle of the night so you'd resorted to strolling around the bunker, following the walls. Sometimes you'd read your books and fall asleep in the cold wooden chair of the library. You had begun to do that more and more since strange nightmares had begun to haunt you in your sleep. One night Dean had found you sitting there, dragging your hand across the bumps on the page, with bags under your eyes.

_"(Y/N)?" Dean's familiar groggy voice bounced across the walls of the library. "What are you doing up?"_

_"Oh, just catching up on some research. I couldn't sleep." You made a small sleepy smile._

_"Yeah neither can I." You heard the seat across from you creak as Dean sat in it._

_"Geez, you look like you haven't seen a goodnight's rest in centuries." He remarked, looking at your hollow face in the dull lighting of the lamp beside you._

_"I could say the same about you."_

_"How did you know that?"_

_"Oh, I just guessed." You reached your hand out to grab his. "I hear you at night, your cries. I hear the exhaustion in your voice too Dean, and in the tired shuffle of your feet. I know you like to make Sam and I think you're alright but we can tell that's not the case."_

_"I don't think I'm ever gonna be okay (Y/N), and I don't like that, so I just ignore it 'cause that way it feels like things will be alright again." You hear the sad smile in his voice._

_You give a tired yawn and roll your neck out in an attempt to take out the kinks in your muscles from reading for so long each night._

_"C'mon." He tugs your arm up and you feel him rise to his feet._

_"Where are we going?"_

_"To get you some sleep."_

_"I'm fine Dean." You say pathetically tugging your hand from his._

_"Lies."_

_With a huff, you shut the book and let Dean lead you down the halls._

_When you enter the room you smell the familiar scent of firewood smoke, pine and a hint of whisky, it's Dean room. He leads you to the edge of his bed and you sit down with him. You both settle into the pillows finding comfort in the arms of one another._

_"So why have you really been up every night?"_

_You stay silent, weighing your options on whether to tell Dean the truth or not. It's Dean, you think, he's gonna find out the truth one way of another._

_"I have nightmares, but they're real bad 'cause all these people I don't even know get hurt or die and I can't stop it. It all just feels so real."_

_"Do you think it's 'cause of what the witch did to you?" You feel him shift his body to turn to you. You shift your body to face him and reply:_

_"I honestly don't know."_

_"Well, sometimes having someone near helps with the nightmares." He says leaning his forehead against yours._

_"Yeah." You agree, closing your eyes as you feel your body relax._

_You can't help but notice the strange flutter in your heart. Dean was so close to you, his smell filled your senses, and his body warmth heated your skin and you could feel his breath against your lips. You always found both the Winchester brothers attractive, but Sam made the first move so you followed along. Recently Dean and you had been spending more and more time together and you could help noticing the effect he was having on you._

_You slowly brought a hand up to his face and felt him lean into your touch. You traced the surface of his skin, mapping out his face in your mind. You noticed the angle of his cheekbones and his jawline, and the line if his nose. You noticed the small scars scattered on his skin, and the soft flutter of his eyelashes, and the slight stubble on his jaw. Then your fingers found his lips and you dragged your thumb across his plump bottom lip. You didn't know what came over you but you leaned in to kiss him and he surprisingly kissed you back. You fell into it, into the rhythm of your lips pushing into his, searching for more of him to claim. You fell into the way his tongue caressed yours all hot heavy and passionate. It was like a fire was started within you and all you wanted was more. More of Dean, to love, to claim, to kiss and caress, to mend. Just as you took his bottom lip between yours, earning a groan from him, you stopped. This was wrong, this was wrong to Sam. You guys weren't together, but to get it on with his brother was a big no-no in all the books full of unwritten rules. God, you really wanted it though, needed it, needed Dean to hold you and love you, but you couldn't help feeling guilty about when you thought of Sam and how he would react. So you pulled away._

_"Hey, what's wrong? Did I do something?" Dean asked concern lacing his tired voice._

_"No, I'm sorry Dean. I can't do this, it's not right. It would break Sam."_

_You could hear Dean's breathing as you waited for a response._

_"No, you're right. That was wrong of me, I'm sorry. I can um, lead you back to your room if you want."_

_Then it hit you, Sam wouldn't hold you like Dean would. Sam wanted his space and if you let Dean lead you back to your own bed, you wouldn't find sleep anytime soon. If Dean was anything like you, he wouldn't find sleep either._

_"No, wait, I'll stay, but just as a friend."_

_"Are you su-"_

_"Yes, I'm sure."_

_"Okay, as friends."_

_"As friends."_

From that night on, if one or the other needed company during the night, they would be welcome into the other person's bed. Soon enough you'd wait until Dean was fast asleep before you'd trace his face, every time wishing you could kiss him, each time falling for him a little more.  
Eventually Dean took small cases again and you convinced him eventually to let Sam tag along. Of course, you had to stay behind, as Dean didn't want to risk you getting hurt. You had begun learning braille in your spare time, which you found you had a lot of and would always help out the brothers with research on creatures and intel things like that. But you couldn't help feeling as though you weren't much use aside from a walking emotional support teddy bear, and you hated feeling useless because it made you feel weak.

You wandered your way to the gym, this had become your daily ritual. While the boys were out hunting, you'd practice your fighting skills and did your best to stay as fit as you could in case anything bad ever happened. So far, you were sure neither of them knew what you'd been up to. You remembered the first time you had tried using the punching bag without your sight. The first time you had tried to punch it, you had completely missed, throwing yourself off balance with the force you wanted to put into the bag. The second time you had tried to punch it, your hand caught the side of the bag, bending your wrist in an awkward way, leaving it sprained. The third accident you had with the bag, it had rebounded right into your face leaving you with a black eye. You had, had to explain to the brothers that you were reaching for a book but it fell on you, and they believed you.

You heard a thud as the door to the bunker shut closed, followed by the hushed banter of Sam and Dean.

"Hey guys, you're back early, I thought you'd come back in the evening?"

"How'd you know it isn't evening yet?" Dean asked curiously.

"The window is still warm from the sun." You explain.

You liked surprising the boys, they always seemed to underestimate your abilities, everyone did. You supposed that was why you were such a good hunter, no one suspected a thing from you, a seemingly innocent girl. 

You walked up to the boys to survey the damage, running your hands across Sam's face to check for blood, then down his arms. Once you were satisfied with the lack of injuries on him, you went over to Dean and did the same then paused with your hand on his arm, a gunshot wound.

"Dean?"

"I'm fine."

"Here let me help you with the duffle bag." You say reaching for the bag slung over his uninjured arm.

Just then, the seams of the duffle bag broke releasing all the weapons and ammunition Dean had packed. In that split second, something made you reach your arms out in a specific direction and you felt the materials of the bag empty into your awaiting arms. You couldn't understand how it had happened, it was as if you had an extra sense which allowed you to notice things in the world around you and react accordingly.

"Woah!" Both brothers exclaimed.

"How'd you do that?" Dean asked taking a few items out of your grasp.

"Luck I guess?" You weren't sure if you could even explain it to them if they asked, so you shrugged and walked towards the weapons room, dragging your elbow across the walls.

You heard the footsteps of the boys follow behind you.

"(Y/N), is there something you're not telling us? Do you have your vision back?" Sam asked hopefully.

"No, sorry Sammy. My vision isn't back, I just have this, I dunno, sixth sense? I guess I finally got used to being blind that I can sense other things?" 

You heard Sam hum in thought. You knew the wheels were turning in his head, he was too smart, he would know right away that you were lying. Blind people didn't have any heightened senses and they definitely didn't develop a sixth sense, you were gonna be busted, you just knew it. As you held your breath waiting for Sam to prod you for more info he just answered with a "cool" and shut his mouth again.

After that incident, you noticed you could sense things more often. You noticed a shift in the air when Dean's car came rumbling back and you seemed to know exactly where the boys were in the bunker at all times. You didn't understand how you knew and at first it scared you, but you shrugged it off as some hunter instinct and didn't think twice about it, until one night you noticed your nightmares were different.

_It felt like you were watching the nightmare unfold before you on a blurry movie screen. It was you and Sam screaming, struggling as shadows dragged your bloody and bruised bodies into the darkness. Then you heard Dean scream your name and you realized he was dreaming it all, but you didn't understand how you could be seeing it. You woke up with a gasp and felt the immediate need to know if he was okay. You stumbled out of bed and down the halls and you heard him scream your name again, like it was a replay of your dream. You shoved your way into his room and shook him awake._

_"Dean, hey, wake up." You felt his sweat soaked chest suck in a breath and tense as he gained consciousness. "Hey, I'm here, it was just a bad dream."_

_"I'm sorry I woke you up." He said gruffly as you felt him sit up._

_"You didn't wake me." You lied with a smile on your face. You hated lying to the brothers, but you didn't know what was happening to you and you couldn't burden them with another thing on their already full plates. Besides, you being blind was already bad enough, they didn't need to know that you could sense things and see their dreams as well, right? "I had a bad dream too." You added._

_"Go back to sleep (Y/N)." He sighed getting out of bed. You heard him turn the faucet on in his bathroom and splash water around._

_"No, I'm staying right here, with you. If there's one person who needs sleep, it's you. You're the one going out on cases, not me remember?"_

_"(Y/N), I can't go back to sleep, not after that. I'm a lost cause, just go take care of yourself."_

_"Well, if you can't sleep, the least I can do is keep you company." You chirped._

_You heard him sigh in defeat "Fine, c'mon". He took your hand in his and lead you out of his room. "I'm hungry."_

For a while you could only sense Dean's nightmares. You never told him you could, you just knew that he needed your help so you provided it. That is until you dreamed one night of a lady splayed out on the ceiling and you watched in petrified horror as the house around you burst into flames.

_When you woke up you realized that the lady was none other than Sam's ex girlfriend. He hadn't talked about her much, but you had seen photos of her. You made your way to Sam's room and was about to knock when the wood of his door left your knuckles and was replaced with the harsh shove of a warm chest walking into your short form. You stumbled back in surprise giving Sam's eyes time to adjust in the darkness to realize you were standing in front of him._

_"Oh geez, sorry (Y/N). I didn't realize you were there."_

_"S'okay, I'm pretty quiet, so that was my bad. I just came to check on you and make sure you were okay 'cause it sounded like you were having nightmares again."_

_"I'm fine (Y/N), just go back to sleep, I can handle myself."_

_You hummed in pretend thought "Ummm...nope, I'm keeping you company."_

_Sam chuckled "Fine."_

You could hear it in his voice that despite his efforts to keep up an act in front of you, he was really hoping you wouldn't leave him. You, the one who got used to the darkness could protect him from the darkness and he felt guilty admitting that he needed you because you had your own darknesses to deal with.

From then on you would work a secret life in the nighttime, comforting the boys when you sensed their nightmares, and you were proud of the work you had done to help them. You couldn't lie that the double duty serving as emotional support night and day was taking a toll on you. You were always partially grateful when the boys went out on cases, you finally had time to rest without having to wake up every other hour to check on them. You thought you could keep up the double life, and for a while you did and the boys didn't suspect a thing but eventually they'd return to your exhausted form sleeping on the couch or in a hard wooden chair in the library and they began suspecting things.

"(Y/N)" Dean sat you down one day. "What's really goin' on here?" He took your hand across the library table and you heard Sam take a seat beside you.

"What do you mean? I'm reading."

"You know what we mean. Why do we keep findin' you at our doors at night tryin' to wake us up from our nightmares huh? Don't tell us that you just happened to be awake 'cause we all know that's bullshit."

"(Y/N), we're worried about you." You heard Sam start. "You look more and more tired with each passing day and we never find you sleeping, except when we come home after cases. And you're always trying to help us with our demons but we think you're just avoiding your own."

You slid your book closed. Shit. They could see right through you. You felt your heart beat faster against your ribcage as you panicked to come up with some stupid excuse.

"(Y/N), c'mon. You were the one that got it in our heads that communication is the key." You heard Dean say worried, and you gave in.

"I- gosh I dunno how to explain this without sounding crazy...but I um, I can see your nightmares." You finally let out.

"What do you mean you can see our nightmares?" Sam asks.

"I dream them. Like when you have a nightmare about Jess I see it in my dreams and then I wake up and head to wake you so you're not stuck there."

"So you've been up practically every night playing nurse?" Dean asks.

"Yes?"

"(Y/N), we're big boys, we can deal with our own shit. You don't have to keep waking us up or keeping us company every time. You're doing all that with the cost of your health and we hate to see you like this." Dean pleads.

"But- but I can't sleep anymore. I can't turn this thing off, like I can't control being able to see it. And geez, you guys dream up the most awful things and I hear you in your dreams and you're hurting so bad and I can't just lie there and not help you, y'know?"

You heard the boys sigh with understanding.

"Okay, but Dean and I are gonna find some way to help you out okay? If that means we work on dealing with our own nightmares by ourselves, so be it." You hear Sam say followed by the feeling of him kiss your temple gently.

"Okay."


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, Sam, we need to talk." You caught his arm as he began to stride away.

"(Y/N) I'm a bit busy right now." He replied quickening his steps, forcing you to do a tiny jog to keep up.

"Sam, stop, that's what you keep telling me and I've had enough. You guys aren't on a case, we need to talk."

He stopped abruptly, inadvertently flinging you forward. "Fine. Let's talk. Make it quick."

"Don't you fucking rush me Winchester." You growled pointing a finger in his direction. "When is this break over?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, this again? Seriously (Y/N)?"

"Hey, no you can't act like I'm making a big deal out of this. You've let me play the guessing game for six months Sam! Six months! And so far the only response I've gotten you is 'I need time'. Six fucking months Sam! I deserve some fucking answers, 'cause I can't tip toe around this problem anymore!"

"Y'know what, you're right. I've been acting like a jerk and you deserve some answers and my answer is simple. I'm scared, and I'm hurt and I don't know if I can take being with you."

"What?" You gasped trying to process the words he was saying.

"I'm fucking scared (Y/N), of losing you again. Right now, I don't think I can handle being this close to someone, being this vulnerable, having someone be my entire world, only to be taken away again." You could hear the hurt in his voice but the anger you felt was too overpowering for you to feel a hint of empathy for the man.

"And that's the excuse you have for leaving me hanging all this time?! Fucking pathetic Winchester, you're not the only one in this relationship."

"Shit, I'm real sorry (Y/N)," You felt him whisper in your ear and shove you against the wall of the hallway. "maybe I should make up for all this lost time." You almost moaned at the contact between your core and his thick thigh between your legs. Had this been any other fight you would have loved to fuck it out, but not this time. This was different, it needed to be different, you couldn't allow yourself to run in circles anymore.

"What the fuck Sam?" You shoved him off of you. "First you go around acting like I'm making a big deal out of this, then you make this grand confession of how you love me so fucking much and you're so scared to lose me and now you wanna fuck me?! What the hell is wrong with you?"

You heard your voice bounce off the walls of the bunker as Sam stayed silent.

"Oh," You chuckled. "I see, you asshole finally sees where this is really going and you don't wanna lose me for real huh?"

Sam stayed quiet and you knew you had struck a chord.

"You piece of shit, we're over for real this time. I'm ending it right here right now because I can't take you playing my heart like the jerk you are. And hey, y'know I'm _really_ sorry for losing my vision, for showing you how dangerous this job can be even if you fucking knew it from the beginning. I'm sorry your precious little heart can't take it but y'know what? We're all gonna fucking die one day Samuel Winchester and if you truly love someone, whether you have years or seconds, you're gonna love them with all you heart. You're gonna show them you truly love them because it doesn't matter how much time you have, it matters what you do in that time. So go fuck yourself Winchester, knowing you just helped create the inevitable end you've been dreading so much." With that final spit of rage enticed words you turned on your heel and walked off.

You weren't gonna play nurse this time. He deserved all that, he deserved to know that he was the reason you left, and that he fucked up big time.

\----------

You hadn't told Dean about your break up and you guessed neither had Sam because the older Winchester never brought it up or asked to see if you were okay. You and Sam had gotten back into a kind of professional relationship, emphasis on kind of because you barely interacted with the man. The fact that Dean hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary made you realize that maybe your relationship with Sam really had been too unsalvedgeable after the accident, maybe you two should have broken it up sooner. You were disappointed in yourself that you had been too blinded by the hopes that Sam would come back around and that your relationship would mend together by itself and that things would go back to normal after the accident, that you hadn't realized how shitty he actually treated you as a girlfriend.

You were proud of yourself for the first couple of weeks, no crying marathons, pity parties, or sob fests thrown. You hadn't shed a single tear and you thought you had made victory. You hadn't eaten your feelings or shoved yourself into your work and at first you thought life had been better than it had ever been. But you slowly let your grasp on all those submerged feelings slip and before you knew it, they had all floated to the top completely free to be felt. As much as you appreciated talking about your feelings on a regular day, you wanted to avoid these lovey dovey cringe triggering feelings. They distracted you and always left an unpleasant feeling in your stomach every morning when you woke up. So you tried your best to bury yourself in work and training and anything case related but the heavy feeling in your heart just began to grow and grow until it became utterly unbearable.

You dug around the kitchen looking for a bowl and some milk for your midnight cereal feast. You hadn't been able to sleep, too many thoughts swirling around your head as you lay emotionally exhausted on your bed. So you had wandered the bunker for a while until you decided to accept the rock bottom and eat out your emotions. You could feel tears begin to fall down your cheeks as you frustratingly searched the cupboards for the cereal box. You were so infuriated you shook your hand madly around the cupboard not thinking about what could be in it when you felt something sharp slice the skin on the palm of your hand.

"Son of a bitch." You shrieked as you pulled your bleeding hand to your chest.

You could feel a lot of blood pouring down your wrist, you were sure you would need stitches. When you realized you wouldn't be able to do them yourself and would have to ask someone, probably Dean because god forbid you ask Sam of all people, you walked backwards into the cabinet and slumped to the floor in defeat. You gave into the heavy feeling in your heart and let it consume you. You didn't fight back the sore lump in your throat and just sobbed, feeling the tears spill down your face. You were so done trying to be okay when it was obvious you weren't. Shit, you needed to leave.

"What am I doing here?" You cried out to yourself as you let your back fall onto the cold tiled floor of the kitchen. You didn't belong here anymore. You didn't have a life here anymore, nobody wanted you here anymore. You had to leave and try to be useful somewhere else. God, that thought scared the living shit out of you, going into the world? You didn't know how to lead a normal life, let alone a blind one.

You heard the thud of footsteps approaching you. You didn't bother trying to figure out who it was, if it was Sam it didn't matter, you were gonna leave, if it was some break-in psycho murderer, that didn't sound so bad. You heard the person flip the light on followed by Dean's concerned voice "Oh shit, (Y/N), you're bleeding! Where're you hurt?"

You let out another sob before you stuttered out "Go away Dean, leave me to sulk on the floor, I'll be out of your hair in a couple days don't worry."

"What?" He gathered you up in his arms. "You're talking crazy sweetheart, what do you mean you'll be outta my hair?"

You hiccuped. " 'M gonna leave."

"Now why would you do a foolish thing like that." He asked gently taking the wrist of your wounded hand to examine it.

" 'Cause I don't have a place here anymore." You sobbed into the sleeve of his shirt.

"Why would you go around saying bullshit like that? You belong here with us (Y/N), both Sammy and I love you, you're family. We couldn't bear to see you leave." He whispered calmly into your hair.

"Sam doesn't love me anymore." You muttered.

"What'dya mean? That geek's practically obsessed with you, I'm sure you guys will figure it out."

"No Dean, we got in a fight."

"So, what? You guys always seem to _make up_." You hear the smirk in his voice as he nudges your arm playfully.

"No Dean, this one was a bad one." You sighed. "We broke up for good." You felt more tears stream down your face as the words 'for good' echoed in your head and the realization hit you full force.

"Oh god." Dean's worried voice startled you out of your sniffling state.

"I know okay, I look awful. It's probably a good thing I'm blind so I don't have to see my ugly puffy eyed face tomorrow morning in the mirror." You wailed.

"Hey, no, you're beautiful (Y/N), never say that about yourself." He wiped a few tears from your face lovingly. "I was just worried about you and Sam breaking up..."

He trailed off and you knew something was on his mind. "Why would you be worried?"

"Did- did you guys break up...because I kissed you?" He asked hesitantly and held his breath as the words processed in your brain.

"What? No. No, we didn't. He was just scared of losing me which I get, but he shouldn't be anymore scared than before the accident. Dean I hate it so much." You started crying again.

"Hey" He pushed a few tear drenched hair strands from your face. "Hang on, let's move to the couch and you can tell me about it while I stitch your hand."

You let him guide you off the kitchen floor, bringing you to your shaking legs.

When he came back with the medical kit, you felt the couch dip as he took his seat beside you. You felt him dab some alcohol over your wound and you hissed at the stinging sensation.

"So, do you want me to beat my geek brother up for hurting you?" He asked, distracting you from the pain of the needle.

"No. Please don't. I feel really awful about the way I ended things with him. I was just, I was so mad..."

"And you have every right to be." He added.

"But he was hurting Dean, he told me himself and I know I keep convincing myself that he didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated-"

"Which he didn't." Dean interupted.

"No, but that's the thing, I feel like it was partially my fault too 'cause I wasn't treating him the way he deserved either. He was hurting and I didn't see that because I was relying on him to fix everything." You sniffled. "And now he's probably hurting more and I can't help him because he probably hates me."

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you." Dean reassured you, finishing up your stitches. "Don't take my word for it, but it sounds like you guys need some closure."

You nodded your head in agreement realizing the older Winchester was right.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

He hummed in approval and planted a kiss on top of your wrapped hand. "There, all better."

"Thanks Dean." You mumbled then you felt him tug you gently into his lap.

"Anytime (Y/N)." He said placing a kiss on your temple.

After a long moment of peaceful silence without tears or sniffles Dean asked "Are you still leaving us?"

"I think I want to." You whispered sadly.

"But you don't have to. We need you (Y/N), I need you." He begged.

"That's the thing Dean, you're the only one that needs me, no one else. Sam won't care if I'm gone and you'll be able to live without me. I need to go find my place somewhere, do something useful. Dean, I became a hunter to help people...but right now...right now, I don't feel like I'm helping anyone."

When Dean didn't answer you knew he was weighing the options of trying to convince you to stay or help you leave. When he asked "When are you planning to leave?" you smiled sadly to yourself appreciating the fact that Dean knew you enough to know you weren't going to change your mind but was a gentleman enough not to leave you on your own just yet.

"At the end of the week?" You said both as a statement and a question to yourself.

"Really?" He sighed. "Alright, if that's what you want, the least I can do is help you pack, then I can drive you wherever. Speaking of which, where are you going?"

"California?" You asked yourself again, partially thinking out loud.

"Why California?"

"Dunno, just sounds nice. Like a place to find a new life."

"Man, I'm really gonna miss you (Y/N)." He hugged you a little tighter then you heard him yawn as he laid his back into the couch leaving you draped over him.

"I'm gonna miss you too Dean." You turned in his grasp to hug him back.

He rubbed comforting circles on your as you felt your eyes droop with exhaustion. Then you heard him say almost inaudibly "God, she looks so beautiful, I just wanna kiss her."

You felt your face heat up as you realized he had probably thought you were sleeping when he said it. 

"Hm?" You questioned him.

"I didn't say anything."

"Yeah you did." You giggled.

"I swear I didn't."

"What was that about me being beautiful and wanting to kiss me?" You teased him.

"I didn't say that."

"Yeah you did, I heard you."

"(Y/N)" He began, propping himself up, probably to look at you as his voice turned serious. "I thought that."

You stayed quiet.

"(Y/N), is there something you're not telling me? Have you gotten more powers?"

"What?! No! No, of course not. You probably just didn't realize you said it aloud." You reassured him.

He settled back down but you could sense his unease.

"Hey" You began, placing a hand on his face. "I promise nothing's happening with me." You moved yourself so you could place a chaste kiss on his lips.

He responded by taking a deep breath through his nose before he deepened the kiss, massaging your tongue with his.

Then you felt that feeling again, that need to love him, heal him, hold him close and never let go. Sure you had kind of felt it with Sam, but never this strong, it worried you but it also encouraged you to take his bottom lip between your teeth, which earned you a groan from him.

"(Y/N), is this okay?" He asked breathlessly.

"Yeah, of course, why wouldn't it be?"

" 'Cause of you and Sam?"

"I'm over that shitbag." You chuckled.

"Shit" He groaned again as you rocked your hips against him. "(Y/N), what're you doin' sweetheart?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" You dragged your finger nails down his skin under his shirt, feeling his muscles ripple under your touch in anticipation.

"What if Sam hears us?" You rolled a nipple between your fingers and he hissed.

"So what if Sam hears us?" You licked a strip up his abdomen and his grip on you tightened as he shuddered.

"He'll find us like this!" You could hear it in the waver of his voice that he was struggling to think straight.

"Like what? Like this? With me pleasuring the man who treats me right?"

You placed feather light kisses across his abdomen as you worked your way downwards. "(Y/N)...you're too good for me, we shouldn't." You sucked and nibbled the taut skin on his hipbone and he groaned again.

"But you want to."

"(Y/N)...I- I can't..." You pulled back the band of his boxers and let it slap back against his skin and he grunted.

"What can't you do baby?"

"...I- I can't take...wanna give..." You cradled his shaking head between your hands and kissed him passionately sliding your tongue against his as you felt his teeth scrape your lips, it was your turn to groan.

"No baby, I want you to take it." You untie his sweatpants "Besides, you can give it all to me later." You slowly pull down his sweatpants along with his boxers. You hear the slap of his length as it hits against his abdomen.

You bring your hand up to circle his shaft "Shit baby, you're so hard for me." You pressed a delicate kiss to the head of his cock and you hear him grunt as his hips buck up.

You put your injured hand carefully on his side so you can feel him react to your ministrations. You bring your other hand to massage his balls and he bucked into your grasp again.

"Please (Y/N)..." He muttered breathlessly.

"What do you want baby?" You ask innocently before swirling your tongue around his scrotum.

You felt his back arch against the couch in your grasp as he groaned.

"Oh god" He grunted and his back arched again as you dragged your teeth against him. "fuck, I need your pretty little mouth. Please darlin', fuck, I need you so bad." He stuttered between heaving breaths.

"You got it baby." You chuckled before licking a stripe along the bottom of his length relishing in the feeling of his pulsing vein heavy against your tongue. You swirled your tongue around his head before sucking his tip harshly. He swore and tangled a hand into your hair as his hips bucked up again.

"Patience darlin' don't get too ahead of yourself." You used his pet name for you.

Without warning you took all of him into your mouth and adjusted to the feeling of his tip hitting the back of your throat. He let out a load moan and he arched his back, his grip on your hair tightening.

"Shit, sorry, fuck, you're really good at this." He stuttered out when he realized how tight his grip was on your hair.

"It's fine, you just enjoy it okay, and I'll let you know if you're hurting me."

"Okay." He replied breathless.

You sucked hard and pulled up leaving only his tip in your mouth. You pressed your teeth into his head smiling slightly when you felt his muscles shudder beneath your fingertips. You twisted your mouth against him on your way up, scraping your teeth ever so slightly as you dove down again. You smiled to yourself when all you could hear were his pleasured noises, finally he stopped thinking and just let go.

You pressed your tongue firmly against his thick vein, making sure to hollow your cheeks out with every stroke. In no time he was a quivering mess of broken swear word syllables and shaking limbs. His grip on your hair had become weak as he struggled to breathe properly from the pleasure.

"Baby, how're you doin'?" You said, resting your bottom lip against his tip. You heard him groan as the vibrations of your voice travelled through his body.

"Fuck, I'm so cl-" You took him into your mouth again sucking more fervently. You felt him twitch against your tongue and noticed the way his hips stuttered in it's bucking rhythm. He arched his back, chanting your name one last time before he came hard into your mouth. You heard his fingernails struggling to find purchase on the couch as he swore under his breath. His legs continued to shake as he slowly came down from his high. When his back hit the couch again you took your mouth off of him and found his face with your hands. You traced the soft 'oh' his lips had fallen into as he took heaving breaths. You traced your fingers along the furrow between his eyebrows and across the crinkles at his eyes as they scrunched in pleasure.

"What I would do to see your face right now." You murmured planting loving kisses to his hairline.

You felt him adjust to pull his pants up, then felt his arms encircle you and pull you closer to his chest.

"Damn, if I had known this is what I could get, I probably would have made a move before my geek brother did." He chuckled as you nuzzled the crook of his neck. "I promise I'll pay you back in a few hours." He murmured into your hair as he placed a tired kiss to your forehead. "You gotta let me recover so I can make you feel even better than you made me feel. I can't let my girl go around feeling unsatisfied." You heard him stifle a yawn.

Three days to take as much of out of this handsome fellow as you could. The game was so on, but you couldn't help but notice the heavy feeling in your chest, you loved Dean more than you were willing to admit and you were about to leave him without even beginning to explore that future. The thought of leaving an almost happy life struck you and you almost doubted your decisions until the thought of Sam floated back into your thoughts, reminding you of all the reasons you were leaving in the first place. The last thing you remember before letting the heaviness of exhaustion take you was Dean's words "Man, I'm really gonna miss you." and you felt a tear slip down your face once again as you fell into the awaiting arms of sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

"Mmm" You heard Dean hum in your ear as his arms wrapped around your waist.

You lay a your last few books into the cardboard box and taped it in satisfaction.

"I could take you right here." His voice dropped. "Against every one of these cardboard boxes."

You gave an amused smile but you were worn.

" 'M sorry Dean, I just wanna get outta here. Raincheck?" You ask turning to place a quick kiss on his lips.

"Alright, raincheck." You felt him roll his shoulders back under your hands then he placed a loving kiss on your forehead. "I'm gonna bring these boxes into the car and you can gather your bags, I'll be right back." He told you, then you heard his footsteps pad away.

You took a deep breath, you were really gonna miss this place. You couldn't see, but you felt the room around you was distinctly empty. You took a walk around the perimeter of the room, dragging your hand across the broken heater, the peeling wallpaper and the dusty windowsill, committing all the details to your memory like an old photograph. Then your hand brushed against the feeling of a delicate jewelry chain. You picked it up in your hands trying to figure out what it was, then your fingers felt a cold circular charm hanging from the chain. You rubbed your thumb over the surface and felt a peculiar symbol then realized it was the necklace Sam had gifted you when you two were together. Your heart clenched when you remembered what he told you the symbol represented.

_"It's a sigil for protection from your enemies. That way, if ever you find yourself in danger and I'm not there to protect you, you can fend them off until I can get to you."_

You felt a lump form in your throat as you remembered that night before fighting the witch.

_"Fuck you Sam! I can fend for myself! You don't always have to keep protecting me! I want to do my job! Not get shoved onto the sidelines by you!"_

_"(Y/N)-"_

_"And fuck this!" You shouted tugging the necklace off and throwing it against the window. "I don't need a sigil to protect me, I can protect myself."_

_"(Y/N) stop, you have to stay here."_

_"What makes this different from any other case Sam?!"_

_"Because she can get inside our heads (Y/N)! And she knows you're my weakness!"_

_"So what Sam? The Djin, the Quareen, the Sirens can all read minds and they can all harm us with the information they get! What makes this different?!"_

_"Because I dreamt it last night!"_

_"What do you mean? You get nightmares all the time, what makes this dif-"_

_"Because it felt the same as when I dreamt about Jessica's death."_

_That shut you up immediately and you realized he was serious._

_"But- but what makes you so sure it won't be different this time?" You challenged too stubborn to lose the argument._

_"I just know it won't." He sighed his eyes begging you to stay._

_You finally gave up and plopped onto your shared bed with a sigh. "Fine, I'll stay, for you. But at the first sign of trouble I'm coming to help you guys."_

_He gave a small smile. "I promise there won't be any trouble so long as you're not with us."_

_So you waited patiently in the bunker, trying to push down your nerves. While you paced the library looking for something, anything to read as dry as it might be then you saw a scene flash before your eyes. Dean cried out as you saw a dusty ceiling beam fall onto him, crushing his arm. At first you thought you were just being paranoid so you tried to focus on the many books in front of you but another scene flashed behind your eyelids this time sending a shock wave of pain through your body as you saw the witch drive a dagger into Sam's leg._

_"Oh hell no bitch." You muttered angrily under your breath as you grabbed your weapons and headed into the garage. You knew the witch's house wasn't far from the bunker so you stepped on the gas determined to save the boys._

_You shoved your way through the front door as you held your gun full of Sam's witch-killing bullets steady. You made your way up the stairs stealthily as you heard Dean shout for his brother._

_"Sam! Talk to me, what's happening! Sam?!"_

_You turned into the bedroom as your vision landed on Dean's body contorted under the wooden beam._

_"Oh my god, Dean!"_

_"(Y/N)? What the hell are you doing here?" He hissed out._

_"I had a vision you guys got hurt so I came."_

_"Fuck!" He wheezed as the debris shifted._

_"Here, let's get you out." You said walking towards you._

_"No! No, just make sure Sam is okay and kill that fucking witch, I'll be fine." He rasped out with a gritting smile._

_"Okay, okay but I'm coming back for you!" You said as you turned to leave the room._

_Just as you turned the corner something hard shoved you against the doorframe, and your gun fell out of your grip as your head smacked the wood. When you looked up you saw the wrinkled face of young a blonde woman with matted hair and a ripped sun dress._

_"You." She snarled pointing an ugly withered finger at you. "You're ruining all my fun! You deserved to be punished!"_

_"No lady! You do!" You screamed launching yourself at her, pushing her down the stairs. You looked around in search for your gun but you couldn't find it._

_"Looking for this silly toy?" She sneered dangling your gun from her hand as she stood up, dusting her legs._

_She held up the gun and pointed it at you then fired. Just as you ducked you heard Sam yell a 'no' before he kicked the gun out of her hand. You saw him try and stab her with the knife but she managed to tear it from his grasp and stab it into his leg. He howled in pain as your eye caught the glint of an axe leaning against the staircase handle. You grabbed it swiftly and ran down the stairs with the axe above your head._

_"(Y/N)! NO!" Sam screamed as he lay helplessly bleeding out on the floor._

_The last thing you saw was his scared face as you launched yourself at the witch._

You clutched the necklace tight in your grasp as you felt a few tears run down your face. Sam had foreseen your accident and maybe if you hadn't taken off the necklace everything would still be alright.

"Woah, hey, are you alright?" You heard Dean enter the room.

You wiped your tears away quickly then shoved the necklace in your back pocket. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Let's just get out of here yeah?"

"Yeah, for sure." You felt him hug you. "I can take your bags."

You took a hold of his arm for guidance and held your folded stick in the other as you made your way down the halls of the bunker one last time.

"You ready?" You heard Dean ask as he stopped probably at the doors leading to the garage.

"Ye-"

"Um...where the hell are you guys going?" You heard Sam yell down the hallway.

Oh fuck, as if this day couldn't get any worse.

"On a road trip!" You exclaimed gritting your teeth.

"And you weren't gonna tell me?"

You and Dean stayed silent not sure what to answer with.

"Right, you weren't gonna tell me." He gave a hollow laugh. "Well, have fun fucking your toy, maybe you'll let her fuck with you, lord knows she fucked me up." He spat out.

"Hey, don't talk about her like that." Dean stood up for you.

"Whatever." Sam hissed.

"C'mon (Y/N), let's leave grumpy pants to sit here and reflect on his wrong doings." Dean taunted snaking a hand around your waist. "See you in a week Sammy, and try not to get yourself killed!"

\----------

You yawned stretching your arms out as much as you could in the confinements of the impala. You placed a hand on the special watch Dean gave you. You felt the hands of the clock and followed it to the braille numbers, it was 11pm, late into the night.

"You tired?" Dean asked over the quiet acdc album playing through the stereo.

"Yeah." You sighed letting your head fall onto his shoulder.

"There should be a motel coming up in just a couple minutes. We can stay the night there." He said lacing his hand with yours.

"Okay." You placed a light kisses on his shoulder, planting more along his neck before littering his jaw with a loving pecks. "Maybe we can raincheck there." You added as you gripped his thigh.

He gave chuckle. "Maybe let me drive us to safety before getting handsy."

Before settling into your motel room, you both went to the diner next door to get something to eat.

"Thank goodness you guys are still open." Dean remarked to the waiter who seated you both in a booth.

"Yeah, well we get tend to get a couple night travellers such as you folks." You heard him say. "Where are you folks coming from?"

"Oh, the sweet state of ol' Kansas." Dean chuckled, nostalgia weaving through the vowels.

"Wow, I've never been to Kansas before." The waiter replied. "Been stuck here with my folks manning the motel and all." He sighed. "Anyhow, you folks don't need to hear about my life story. Here are your menus and would you you like any drinks sir?"

"Yeah why not, I'll just take a beer."

"How about her, would she like anything?"

"Hey do you want anything?" Dean asked you.

"I'll just take a water." You say to the waiter.

"Oh" He sounded surprised. "Okay then, I'll get that for you folks and I'll be back to take your orders."

You opened the menu only to realize there was no indicator as to what was on the page. "Oh goddammit, you've got to be kidding me." You groaned.

"What is it?" Dean asked.

"I don't know what's on the menu."

"Oh here, let me help you out. What are you interested in, appetizers, salads, meals, desserts..." He listed the headings to you and you snuggled into his grasp with a small smile, thanking the heavens Dean Winchester was here to help you.

The waiter came back placing your drinks down with a clink and you heard him shuffle around with his notepad before he asked "What can I get you sir?"

"I'll take one of your in house burger meals." Dean answered.

"And what about your lady, would she like anything?"

"I dunno" Dean began, catching onto the waiter's idiocy. "You can ask her yourself, y'know she's not deaf."

"Oh- I just thought- 'cause her eyes-"

"Being blind has nothing to do with my ears." You stated matter-of-factly. "And I'll take an in house burger meal as well, extra fries, add a vanilla milkshake to that and oh, maybe you guys ought to add some braille to these menus. They really are a chore to try and read." You say with sarcasm evident in your voice.

"Um...yeah...sure- I'll um- I'll get that for you folks. And um- sorry ma'am." He sputtered as he quickly grabbed the menus scuttling off.

"Thanks for sticking up for me Dean." You say planting a kiss on his neck.

"Yeah well, I can't let my girl be treated poorly." He dove in for a kiss and you kissed him back placing a hand at the nape of his neck, threading your fingers through his hair. You dragged your nails across his scalp and he hissed.

"Shit darlin', if you keep this up I might not be able to wait until we're in the room to peel those clothes off of ya."

"That's the plan baby." You murmured against his lips as you moved to straddle him.

"You're so beautiful y'know tha-" He muttered breathlessly before the waiter interupted you.

"Um...I'm just gonna leave your meals on the table folks."

You heard his footsteps shuffle away before Dean laughed.

"Oh man, you shoulda seen that poor kid's face. He was turnin' red like he'd seen his playboy magazine come to life or somethin'!"

You laughed with him. "Karma!" You giggled.

You both managed to stumble your way through dinner without losing any articles of clothing.

"Well someone's impatient." Dean laughed as you both dropped your bags down followed by you pinning him to the wall of the motel room.

"Yeah well, I bet you were staring down my shirt at every stoplight on our way here." You teased.

"I couldn't help it, I had to distract myself somehow especially with those wanderin' hands of yours." He muttered into your neck.

You both stumbled around in the dark, mouths glued to each other.

"Hang on." Dean mumbled as he peeled his shirt off. You raked your nails up over the newly exposed skin, playfully flicking his nipples drawing a groan from his mouth. "Okay that's enough sweet-cheeks, your turn."

You pulled off your tight shirt teasingly slow before Dean quickly attacked the clasp of your bra.

"Damn sweetheart, I got real lucky with you huh?" He gasped.

You couldn't think of any witty comebacks, your brain was frozen, slowly turning to mush as you felt Dean's spell fall over you.

He placed his hands comfortably on your waist, drawing massaging circles into your skin as he began sucking on your neck. He nipped gently at your collarbone and you couldn't hold back the moan in your throat.

"That's what I like to hear." He breathed out.

He slowly walked you backwards towards the bed but your back hit a sharp corner.

"Ow!"

"Oh shit, sorry, did I hurt you darlin'?" He asked worriedly.

"No, I just walked into the dresser." You giggled.

"Talk about rough sex." He chuckled walking you carefully to the bed, making sure you didn't walk into any other things before you fell into the soft comforter.

He fell onto the bed with you grunting as your thigh brushed him through his jeans. He sucked hickeys along the top of your chest until he was satisfied with the marks he'd made. He moved to lick a stripe along the underside of your right breast and you moaned at the contact. You could tell he was being a tease but you didn't want to rush him, you just wanted to take anything and everything he was giving you. You wanted to make the most out of every second you could share with Dean Winchester before you had to part. He licked another stripe along the underside of your other breast, then another along the valley in between.

"Fuck Dean." You swore as your carded your hands mindlessly through his hair.

You felt him grind against your thigh groaning as he nibbled along the underside of both your breasts, slowly moving closer to your hard nubs.

"Mmm, Dean, you sound so hot grinding against me, I wanna feel you ride me."

"Really?" He asked breathlessly. 

He licked a fat stripe over one of your nipples then blew it gently. You gasped slightly arching your back off the bed.

"Yeah, if you want to." You muttered.

"Anything for you darlin'." He whispered. "Just let me finish up here." 

He gave the same licking treatment to your other nipple before rolling it between his teeth. You whimpered, writhing in his grasp. He took that as his cue to suck harshly on it and you let out a loud moan. He pinched your untouched nipple slightly before changing to nibble it. You shuddered under him as he sucked you. He began to massage your other breast and you felt a tingling sensation spread across your body intensifying your shudders to uncontrollable shaking.

"Holy shit Dean" You gasped. "Oh fuck, I'm gonna come!"

You let out a wanton moan as you shook under his ministrations. You dug the fingernails of one hand into his bicep as you pulled desperately at his hair.

"Holy shit." You breathed out again as you came down from your high. How- how did you to that?"

"I dunno, that was all you darlin' and it was fuckin' hot too." He nuzzled your stomach.

You experimentally shifted your thigh underneath him.

"Oh fuck." He groaned into your skin. "You really are gonna be the death of me y'know that."

You chuckled as he moved up to kiss you.

"Okay baby, now shut up and ride me. Let's see what you got hot stuff."

"Hot stuff huh? I kinda like that." He murmured planting one more kiss on your lips before kicking off his jeans.

He settled himself above your thigh before grinding down slowly.

"Oh fuck me." He groaned against your shoulder.

You splayed your hands across his shoulder blades enjoying the feel of his muscles tensing and rippling under your grasp.

"How does it feel baby?" You ask dragging your nails over his scalp.

"Oh god- I- it's..." He muttered incoherently and you smiled to yourself. 

Dean Winchester, the ladies' man who always had a witty and usually sexual comeback at the ready was speechless, a blubbering mess because of you. It made pride and adoration flower in your chest with something else, a deep need for every part of him.

He slipped over the bump of your kneecap on a stroke and that was all he needed to tumble over the edge. With a mumble of "oh fuck (Y/N)" he was a gasping, shuddering mess on top of you.

You gently massaged his scalp as he came back to you.

"God, I've never done that before." He breathed out.

"I guess tonight's full of firsts for both of us huh?" You laughed.

"Yeah." He laughed with you.

He planted mindless kisses along your shoulder as he regained his strength.

"So tell me, why were you crying back at the bunker sweetheart?"

"Oh, I just found the protection necklace Sam gave me and I realized that maybe if I hadn't fought with him, if I hadn't been so stubborn maybe things would still be normal."

"Did you ever talk to him?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I was too scared."

You heard Dean hesitate through the silence.

"Did you tell him about you moving out?"

"No."

He sighed. "I can't say I agree with your decision but I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk or you need me to bring some stuff over I'll drive all through the night to get to you if I have to, I swear."

"Thanks Dean, you're too good. You've helped me out with so much, taking me in to join your team, teaching me everything you know, training with me. Even after everything with the accident and all the other bullshit I've caused you, you're still here helping me and I don't think I'll ever repay you."

"The answer's simple (Y/N), the reason why it's so easy for me to drop everything for you? I love you (Y/N) with all of my heart and I know I can't protect you from everything but I can goddamn try my hardest to." He kissed you passionately. 

His confession made your heart ache. You wanted to return those three special words to him so badly but you knew that once you did, it would all become a reality and that wasn't something you wanted to feel right now. So you made do with apologizing, to avoid the conversation continuing in that direction.

"Hey, I'm really sorry Dean."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I just feel so guilty for leaving you guys. It feels like I'm letting you down."

"Hey" He rubbed soothing circles on your hips.

"You're not letting us down. You're making a choice that'll make you happy and that's what truly matters." He kissed you again and you wrapped your legs around his torso.

He chuckled "Easy there darlin', you gotta peel those jeans off first." You could hear the smirk in his voice.

You felt him unbuckle your belt and slide the material off of your legs. He whistled as he took in your lace covered core.

"You wore these for me?" He asked flicking a finger against your core and you jolted with a gasp at the sensation.

"So fucking beautiful." He murmured as placed feathery kisses from your ribs to your hipbone. 

He trailed more kisses along your lower stomach until he hit your belly button and he swirled his tongue around it, prodding it gently with the tip of his wet muscle.

"Oh god." You gasped.

You felt him drag his teeth along your skin until they clenched around the waistband or your panties. He tugged at them with his teeth dragging them ever so slowly down your slick covered legs.

"Fuck, you probably look so hot right now." You groaned.

"You should see yourself darlin' you're quite the sight to behold."

You felt him slip your underwear off your legs completely then heard him slip his own off.

"Fuck you're gorgeous." He muttered kissing you sloppily. 

He slipped two fingers into your folds and your back arched in his grasp as he rubbed his calloused digits over your swollen clit. You whimpered at the sudden loss of his fingers then heard him make a sucking noise before he muttered "Shit baby, you should taste yourself."

He gently slipped his dripping fingers into your mouth and you sucked them hard, massaging his digits with your tongue and he groaned.

"The things you do to me baby." He whispered giving an open mouthed kiss to your neck. "Will you touch yourself for me? Will you stretch out those tight walls for me?"

You whimpered and nodded as you trailed your fingers downward. When your fingers came into contact with your swollen clit your gasped again then slowly pushed them into your dripping hole. You moaned at the feeling of finally being penetrated.

"Can you move those pretty little fingers of yours?" Dean asked nipping the shell of your ear.

You just nodded and thrust them in gently and slowly dragged them out, getting used to the rhythm. You experimented by scissoring your fingers and you moaned, then searched for Dean's hand with your free one and gripped him tight. You continued the pleasurable motions but whimpered when you realized you couldn't hit that spot within you that begged to be touched.

"Dean." You whimpered.

"What is it baby?" He nuzzled your face.

"Can't reach..." You trailed off.

The moment he understood what you meant he had his face between your legs. "My poor baby can't reach this spot-" he was interrupted by your loud moan as he shoved his fingers straight into your ridged sweet spot.

"Good thing I'm here." He mumbled against your folds sending delicious vibrations to the quickly forming knot in your lower abdomen.

He sucked harshly at your swollen nub.

"Shit Dean if you keep this up, I swear I'm gonna- oh fuck!" You felt the knot unravel and you moaned out his name as you rode out the waves of pleasure against his face. You gripped his hand tightly as you arched against the sheets.

"Hey baby? You think you can take me?" He asked cautiously when you gained control again.

"Yeah, of course." You mumbled kissing him as you lined him up.

You both moaned as he slipped in, his head falling against yours in pleasure. 

"What does it feel like?" You ask.

"It feels like..." He pulls out of you. "...coming home." Just as he finishes his sentence he bottoms out and you both moan again. He keeps up a slow pace that has you raking your nails against his back and has him clutching you for dear life. Both of you try to hold off your orgasms trying to prolong the feeling of being one. 

"Oh fuck Dean." You gasp as he hits a sweet spot deep within you. "I- I can't hold it back anymore."

"Neither can I baby." His breath hitches as he hits that spot within you again. "Let it all go baby, I'm right behind you."

You let the pleasure wash over you until you're quivering intensely, every movement of Dean within you bringing you closer to another orgasm. 

"Oh god (Y/N), fuck I'm gonna cum."

You kissed him harshly and his pelvic bone brushed against your core sending you both over the edge again. All you could think in that moment of ecstasy was that having Dean that close felt so right.


	5. Chapter 5

You and Dean started the next morning off with a quick stop at the diner grabbing few pancakes and a shit ton of coffee then you were on the road again.

"We should make it to Half Moon Bay tonight." Dean reassures you, gently caressing your knee.

He had probably noticed your unease but you guess he assumed you were just nervous about the move. In your mind the move was on the back stove, all you could think about his confession. He loved you, and you were just about to leave him. You had pondered the idea of trying to convince him to stay with you but you knew he would have to bring his brother along. And Sam, was the exact reason you were moving in the first place. So you stayed true to your word, make the most out of every moment and tried to enjoy every second you had Dean beside you. God, you felt like such a mess.

By hour eight of being on the road you began getting cramps. You thought you could hold it in and keep quiet and for a while you did. You followed the routine of downing two Advils and blasting Dean's rock music.

"I didn't know you liked my music!" Dean shouted over the sound of the wind whipping through the windows and the blasting guitar riff.

"Yeah, it's pretty great." You say gritting your teeth as you began to feel light headed. "Hey, do you think we could stop at the next gas station?" You asked.

"Yeah sure, we've gotta stock up on food anyways."

You soon found yourself in the dank musty smelling bathroom at the back of the gas station convenience store.

"Shit." You muttered when you realized the cause of your cramps and light-headedness.

Your damn period had to go ruining the trip and you knew you were gonna feel miserable for the next couple days at least.

"Dean?" You called out propping the rusty metal door of the bathroom open.

"Yeah? What is it?" He asked as his voice got closer. "Oh my god, you're bleeding! Are you okay?! Did something attack you in the bathroom?!"

"Dean. I'm fine. I just got my period is all." You explained, your cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

"Oh, thank god." He sighed. "Do you want me to get your clothes?"

"Yeah, and um..." You realized you hadn't packed any tampons since you thought you could make it to California before bleeding to death in the Impala. "...do you think you could um...get some tampons from the store?" You stuttered out.

You just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. It was so humiliating having to deal with all this in front of Dean.

"Hey, yeah for sure (Y/N)." You could tell he noticed your humiliation, it was probably written all over your face. "And don't worry about it. Mother nature's a bitch, am I right?" He chuckled trying to lighten your mood.

"Yeah, she kind of is." You giggled, immediately dissolving the tension.

Once you were settled back into the car Dean filled up Baby then went into the convenience store to pay (perks of stopping over at an old gas station in the middle of nowhere). When he came back he announced "I've got the snacks!"

"What a child." You joked.

"Hey, a really nice child who got you some chocolate 'cause he's informed enough to know that it helps with period cramps." He challenged you.

The moment you felt the plastic wrapped chocolate bars fall into your lap you attacked him with hugs and kisses.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" You screeched.

"Woah, chill, they're just chocolate bars!" He chuckled giving into your pouted lips, pulling you in for a kiss.

"Yeah well, they're from the most romantic, charming and sexy man-child I've ever met."

"That was a great statement until you got to the man-child part." He laughed kissing you one more time before moving the stick on the Impala.

As Dean had promised the chocolate bars had generally helped with the cramps. You had rationed one out for every half hour and by the third hour you had run out of chocolate bars. Just as you felt your cramps returning you heard heavy raindrops pour relentlessly onto the metal hood of the Impala. You curled against Dean burying your head in his shoulder as you attempted to drown out the loud pattering noise that had begun to make your head hurt.

"Hey, are you okay?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, my cramps are just starting to come back and my head's starting to hurt." You slurred.

"Oh. I'm real sorry but we're gonna have to pull-over for a bit until this rain passes 'cause I can't see a god damn thing through this storm." He says placing a gentle kiss on your head.

"Okay." You muttered.

You felt the car swerve to the side as he pulled Baby over followed by the quieting rumble of the car's engine.

"C'mere." Dean said gently scooping you into his lap as you buried your face into his warm neck. You felt him shift to your side of the car so the steering wheel didn't get in the way. "Can you turn around for me?"

You shifted slowly in his grasp, careful not to shake your head around too much as the throbbing against your skull was already unbearable. Once you were properly seated he placed a small kiss on your shoulder and you shivered immediately. You felt him cradle the back of your head cautiously then he slowly ran his thumbs along the muscles at the base of your neck. You sighed as you felt your headache start to dissipate. He slowly shifted to massaging small circles along the muscles on the back of your neck, working his way down to your tense shoulders. You didn't even notice when he quickly slipped your shirt off, too wrapped up in his soothing motions. When he reached the tight muscles in your shoulders he expertly rolled his knuckles along your shoulders releasing all your problematic knots. He began littering random kisses along your shoulders and your head fell tiredly onto his as his hands kneaded the muscles along your spine, working their way to relieve your sore lower back.

"Baby?"

"Hm?" You hummed back.

"I'm gonna need you to lean forward so I can help you with your lower back okay?" He asked shifting the two of you presumably so that you were facing the dashboard.

"M'kay." You murmured.

You felt him hesitantly push you forward and you felt him place a folded up flannel under your head as you rested it against the dashboard. He curved his hand along your lower back and around your hip and you groaned as he dug the heel of his hand into your tight muscles. He repeated his thorough process until your body was such jelly you couldn't sit up straight.

"Hey, how're you doin'?" He asked.

"I'm much better, thank you for that." You turned to straddle him giving him a loving kiss.

"Damn it, the rain's still really heavy." He remarks disappointed.

"Hey, I know what we can do." You smirk moving to straddle one of his thighs.

"You wanna ride me?" He asks with surprise.

"If you'll let me." You say planting kisses along his jaw.

"Well I hear orgasms help with cramps so go ahead darlin', use me all you want." He murmurs in your ear.

His words only spurred you on as you began grinding against him.

Back at the gas station Dean couldn't find any tampons so you had to make do with pads. Right now however, you were definitely not regretting it. The rough material of the pad created a delicious friction as it bunched around your clit. You let out a groan as the thick seam of your jeans rolled against your sensitive bundle of nerves. Dean took that as his cue to place his hands on your hips to deepen the pressure of his thigh under you. He kissed you deeply, swallowing your moans of satisfaction.

"You're so fucking sexy like this. Using my thigh to get off. Fuck, you're making me so hard right now." He muttered into your neck.

You felt him shift and then a muscle in his leg flexed making you jolt against him.

"Oh shit." You whimpered into his shoulder tugging at his hair.

"Did you like that?" He asked, his voice gravely with arousal.

"Fuck yes. Please do that again." You sighed, a moan working it's way out of your mouth.

"Hold on baby." He murmured soothingly and you felt his shift closer to the driving wheel.

His leg flexed under you and you let out a loud moan as you felt the knot in your belly grow unbelievably tight. You left a hand pulling at his hair and dropped one down to his shoulder, nails digging into the skin as you struggled to balance yourself. 

All of a sudden Dean revved up the car and the strong vibrations travelled through his flexing thigh straight up to your core making your eyes roll back.

"Oh fuck Dean, do that again, m'so close." You muttered scraping your teeth along the side of his neck.

He revved the engine one more time and that strong vibration was exactly what you needed to spill over the edge.

You moaned Dean's name as you rocked against his vibrating thigh, convulsing in his clutch.

"You and Baby make quite the team." You giggled when you came back to your senses.

"And now that I know that you've got a lil' kink for Baby, I might just take advantage of that later." His voice was still dripping with lust.

"Hey Dean, I'm sorry." You muttered beginning to unbuckle his belt.

"Hey, no. It's fine, I can deal with it later." He kissed you. "The rain's stopped now so let's just get to the bay before it rains again okay?"

"Okay." You whined with a pout.

He chuckled as you got off of him and buckled your seatbelt.

By the time the two of you made it to the hotel in the sleepy town of Half Moon Bay it was well close to midnight. Dean had picked up some pizza from one of the only food places still open in the town.

"Do you wanna move in your boxes tonight or?"

"We can move them in tonight. Less work tomorrow." You smiled.

Your plan was to stay in the hotel for a week before moving in to stay with an old family friend.

"Okay." He agreed as he placed the pizza box down on the dresser with a thud.

"You sure you can handle that?" Dean asked as you fumbled to take out a cardboard box from the trunk  
"Yup."  
You had just entered the hotel room when the bottom of the box broke open releasing all of the contents and letting them spill across the floor. Your mouth dropped open in horror as your fingers found the braille label you had made as it read 'delicates'.  
"Oh fuck." You muttered.  
All your nice bras, panties and vibrators had been strewn across the carpet and you had no hope of placing them all back into the box before Dean came back. Right on cue you heard his heavy footsteps thud towards the room followed by an 'oh no, lemme help you with that' followed by an 'oh looky here, red lace, I might just keep that'. Your facd was on fire as the embarrassment set in.  
"It's fine!" You exclaimed nervously. "I totally have this under control!" You patted your hand around searching for a discarded item of clothing.

"You obviously don't because you're searching in an area where nothing has fallen." He chuckled. "Hey, don't worry about it happens to the best of-" He was cut off by his own 'ooh'.

You mentally face palmed as you prepared for the worst.

"Oh hello, what's this (Y/N)?" He asked with a smirk.

"Well I don't fucking know now do I, 'cause I can't fucking see." You hissed.

He placed the item in your hand and your face heated up even more when you realized he had found one of your vibrators.

"That's quite the contraption you've got goin' on there. And you get off with it? Like how does it even go in? Or on? Oh, and it's waterproof???" You knew he was bombarding you with questions just to tease you.

You took a deep breath. You could handle this. You were a big girl. You literally had nothing to fear and it was Dean. He's seen worse.

"Dean, I'm tired, can we not do this right now?" You sighed. You honestly were tired and you definitely didn't need Dean picking on you in your already mildly annoyed state.

"Oh, okay. I'm sorry (Y/N)." You felt him place a kiss on your head. "Will you let me borrow it?"

"What?"

"Will you let me borrow the vibrator?" He asked again.

"Why would you-oh." You realized he still hadn't gotten off since you rode him. "Hey, I can help with that." You begin trying to unbuckle his belt once again.

"Nuh-uh, you're going to eat then sleep. If you'll let me use it, just show me how it works and I'll be out of your hair. I'll take a shower and I'll clean all this up too. Just take care of yourself (Y/N)."

"Okay." You sighed. He could see right through you. You really felt bone dead tired.

"It works like this." You gave a small smile, slipping the silicone ring over your pointer and middle finger sliding them through until they were perfectly aligned with the finger shaped indents on the vibrator.

"And the button's here." You add pressing a small button on the top of the vibrator between your fingers.

"It has three modes, fast, medium or slow. There you go." You say slipping it off of your hand placing it gently in his hand as you leaned to give him a kiss. "Knock yourself out, but not too bad 'cause I won't be able to drag your unconscious body outta that shower."

"Oh, um, can I borrow this too?" He asked hesitantly slipping a slightly curved, cock shaped vibrator in your hand.

"You're pretty kinky aren't you hot stuff?" You chuckled as you nodded your head. "And yeah, you can. The button's down here, three modes like the other one." You gave him a passionate kiss before bending down to place a bite on his neck, before soothing it with your tongue, which pulled a low groan from his mouth.

"Have fun baby." You murmured against your lips, giving him one last kiss before crawling over to your overnight bag to retrieve your pyjamas.

You heard him shuffle around on the floor for a while, while you began eating the pizza, you assumed he was picking up everything you had dropped, then you heard the bathroom door shut. By the time you heard the shower turn on, you had gotten snuggled into the bed, and had turned the tv on to space out to as you waited for him to finish. You turned the volume down low and strained to hear him through the thin hotel walls then you heard it, the soft hum of a vibrator followed by his gasp and you grinned. 

As he began whimpering and groaning, you imagined what he could be doing behind those closed shower curtains. You imagined that he'd start off slow and experimental, running the vibrator across his chest, circling it around his nipples, hissing as it made contact. Then he would slowly run it down the ropes of muscle along his torso pausing to rest it at the apex of his pelvic bone, sending a delicious vibration that was just enough to give him pleasure but not enough to satiate his arousal. You imagined he would drag is slowly up and down the inside of his thighs being careful not to touch himself where he needed it the most trying to stretch out the time he had to feel the satisfaction of every nerve in his body strung tight with desire. Once he'd circle his hand attached to the vibrator, around the base of his cock he'd gasp, the noises getting caught in his throat as he feels the shock of the small machine against him. He'd pull back wanting to start slow again, so he would drag the vibrator on the slow mode around his balls, shuddering as he circled his fingers around them. 

Then he would focus the tip of the vibrator of the base of his cock where the thick vein on the underside of his length disappeared into him. He would hold it there, scrunching his eyes as he let the waves of pleasure wash over him slowly bringing him closer and closer to his climax, but before he could hit it he would pull it away from himself. He'd stand of shaky legs, prop an arm against the shower wall letting the hot water wash over his sore body and lean his head against the cold tile. He would start again, holding himself at the base of his length and gently press the vibrator against his thick vein. He wouldn't turn the vibrations higher otherwise he would cum too soon, so he'd keep it at a slow pace and pump himself up and down at an agonizing pace. His hips would stutter every time he circled the vibrator over his leaking tip and his entire body would shudder as the vibrator hit the base of his cock, brushing over his balls. Then just as his shuddering turned into frantic shaking he would pull his hand away and seat himself on the floor of the tub propping a leg up on the rim of the tub. 

He would switch out the vibrator wrapped around his fingers for the pink cock shaped one and turn it to the lowest setting. Slowly, he would circle his hole with the vibrator gasping as his hips rocked against the vibrations then he would stick one wet finger into his hole accustoming himself to the feeling of being penetrated. Once he got used to the feeling of his finger in himself he would bring the vibrator to his hand and gasp at the sensation of his vibrating finger pulsing against his tight walls. He would add another finger repeating the process before he pulled them out replacing them with the vibrator. He would push the tip in slowly, gasping and whimpering at the feel of it's ridges brushing his fluttering walls. Once the toy was inside of him he would moan as the head of it pushed deliciously against the sweet spot inside of him. He would wrap his fingers tightly at the bottom of his cock to restrict him from coming. He would spend time bucking his hips into the air revelling in the feeling of the toy inside him. Just as he could feel the wave of his climax about to crash over him he would stop the vibrations of the cock inside him then slip the other vibrator on the slow mode over his hand and place it along his length. 

He would thrust into his hand until he felt his climax nearing, then he would turn on the vibrator inside of him starting with the slow mode, as he gets more desperate to reach his climax he would turn the vibrations up until he was gasping and shuddering uncontrollably under the strongest vibration settings. His climax would hit him hard, knocking the wind out of his chest, sending white splashing across his vision, making his body convulse under the spray of water with the vibrations running across his skin.

Just as you heard him reach his high as he moaned your name, you smiled to yourself and felt your eyes slide shut. You were exhausted. Later you felt him slide into bed beside you, wrapping his warm body around your shivering form.

"Thanks for the vibrators darlin', they really did the trick." He whispered.

You were too tired to respond and just hummed in response, letting yourself fall into his warmth and the feeling of safety that washed over you.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey (Y/N)?" Dean asked as you both sat eating a quiet breakfast on the beach patio of a cute coffee shop down the road.

You hummed in acknowledgement as you took in the smell of freshly brewed coffee and salty ocean waves.

"I know I said I would stay another day but Sam's not answering his phone and I'm starting to worry about him. So, I might leave for Kansas tomorrow instead." Dean explained.

"That's fine Dean, I can handle myself, you don't have to worry about me." You said with a reassuring smile.

"I really am sorry (Y/N), I promise I'll make it up to you. I can help you out with your move when you leave the hotel?"

"It's fine Dean, I'm sure I'll handle. And hey, at least we have all day to roam around the town, oh and we're having lunch with my future roommate Gaby at around noon today at neat little Himalayan cuisine restaurant."

"Sounds fancy, I'm sure you'll have fun together." Dean grumbled.

"Hey, no, you're coming with me. She's so excited to meet you and I'm sure it'll give you a little reassurance that I'm in safe hands before you leave."

"Okay, fine."

"I guess the coffee hasn't kicked in yet huh?" You giggled at his antics.

"No, it's not that. I just don't wanna leave you y'know? If I could just drop everything and come live here in a nice beach house on the coast I would. God, what I'd give to live a normal life..." He trailed off and you reached for his hand on the sun warmed glass of the table.

"Hey, I'm really sorry Dean. I know it must be really difficult for you to see me go out and live a normal life when you still have to fight monsters an-"

"But you're not just walking away from the hunting life, it pushed you away. It's different in this situation and you're never gonna be able to live a normal life. I just with I could make it all better."

"But you can't Dean. Some things are just out of your control and you've just got to live life and try not to let those things stop you."

"You are so right (Y/N)." He placed kisses along your knuckles

After your brunch at the cafe you had an hour and a half to spare so you took a walk along the coast.

"Woah, this is one gorgeous view." You heard Dean say astonished behind you.

"Let me guess, it's my ass right?"

"No, I mean that's nice too but the view of the cliffs and the beach and the water it's- if only you could see it."

"Why don't you describe it to me then." You suggested.

"I'm not great with words, you know that."

"Good, it'll be practice for you then." You giggled pulling him in for a quick kiss.

He sighed and then started muttering something about 'how to do this'.

"Okay, put your hands in fists." He began.

You had no idea what on earth he was doing but you did it anyways with your guard up in case he was about to sabotage you with a tickle attack.

"Okay, now put your arms out in front of you."

"Dean, I don't understand how aerobics is gonna help me see this great view you're talking about." You remarked.

"Just trust me." He chuckled. "Good, now bend your elbows a little bit, like this." He took your arms in his hands and adjusted them in the air. "So we're at a cove." He stated.

"Well you could have just started with that and we would have avoided an arm workout all together!"

"Wait, wait, wait. I'm not finished yet! So this is the cove..." He caressed the curve of your arms with his hands. "And these are the two cliffs..." He trailed his fingers over your tight fists. "And the waves are as violent as your hair in the wind right now." He laughed. "Some waves crash into the rocks around the cliffs like this..." You felt him tickle your face with strands of your hair.

"Dean!" You shrieked with laughter.

"But most waves fall gently onto the beach like this..." He brushed a strand of hair from your face and littered kisses along your hairline. "And the blue of the sky is like that um...oh, like the colour of neptune in that image Sam kept bugging us about last Christmas!" You both laughed as you were reminded of better times. "But the colour fades as it crawls towards the horizon into a milky white kind of blue..." He moves to stand in front of your outstretched arms and you feel him cup your face in his hands. "Kind of like your beautiful eyes." He finishes placing a gentle kisses at the corners of your eyes.

You feel tears prick at the rims of your eyes and you feel something tug at your heart and fill your head. You can only describe it as pure love and adoration for the man standing in front of you.

"You two are the cutest couple!" You hear a lady remark as she passes you.

Dean chuckles at her compliment but you stay silent in shock.

"For a man who isn't that great with words, I think that was a beautiful description." You sighed in awe.

"Thank you." He chortled. "Now aren't you glad you trusted me directing you in an aerobics exercise?" He teased.

"Yeah sure." You giggled.

-

"Hi! Welcome to Monsoon Himalayan Cuisine! Table for two?" You heard a chirpy voice ask as you and Dean entered the delicious smelling restaurant.

"Actually, we're here for a reservation for three. It should be under the name Gaby Ruiz." You smile.

"Oh let me check here, yep! Right this way." The waitress directed you.

You looped your arm around Dean's and let him guide you.

"Thank you." Dean said as you both came to a stop. "Here." He placed your hand on the back of a wooden chair.

"Thanks Dean." You smiled.

"Himalayan huh? Wow, I can't even remember the last time I was able to sit down in a nice restaurant and eat a meal that wasn't pizza or burgers for lunch." He laughed.

"Same." You laughed with him.

"(Y/F/N) (Y/L/N)? Oh my gosh! It's been so long!" Squealed a voice from behind you.

"Gaby!" You exclaimed as you turned around.

"Wow, you cleaned up nice (Y/N)! And damn, you're boyfriend's pretty cute too!" She giggled hugging you tightly.

"Oh, he's not my boyfriend." You muttered.

"You should tell him that." She whispered in your ear before breaking the hug.

"You must be the one and only Sam Winchester!" She shrieks again, probably going in for another lung crushing hug with Dean.

"Um, actually, that's my brother." Dean grumbles.

"Oh. My. Gosh. I'm so sorry! That's so embarrassing. Wait, don't tell me, that would make you Dean Winchester right?" She asks.

"You know about me?"Dean asks.

"Of course! (Y/N) won't shut up about you! Dean this, Dean that, Dean's so fucking ho-" She cuts herself off, immediately catching her mistake.

"Dean's so fucking hot huh?" He laughs with her, nudging his foot against yours.

"Oh shut up Gaby, I do shut up." You could imagine her raising her eyebrow in question. "Okay, I sometimes, kinda, don't really shut up about him." You sigh in defeat.

"So wait, if he's not your boyfriend, are you still dating Sam? Or can I claim the younger Winchester?" She jokes.

"I'm dating neither of them." You muttered.

You feel Dean let go of your hand that he was holding and you felt your heart drop.

"More for me!" She laughs and you can imagine her sending a flirty wink at Dean.

This just turned into a way bigger mess than you thought it would turn out to be. You mentally rolled your eyes, this was gonna be a long lunch.

"So (Y/N), since we're _not_ dating, you wouldn't mind if I came home with Gaby tonight then right?" Dean taunted.

"No. I don't fucking care Dean." You said through a teeth gritting smile.

"Woah, woah, guys! I was just kidding! I don't wanna get in between what you two have got going on there! It looks um...pretty complex."

"It is complicated." You state turning to generally evil eye Dean as best as you could.

Gaby clears her throat awkwardly. "Um, enough of the drama. I'm sorry if I triggered it. Um, let's just enjoy a nice lunch and we can catch up about all the good stuff!" She exclaimed. "Did you guys find anything you like?" She asks.

"Not yet." Dean answered.

"Well, a few words of advice. Literally everything here is delicious so you can't go wrong ordering but if you want my opinion, the best dish in the entire menu is the potato cheese balls. They're to die for! And oh my gosh you guys have to leave room for dessert because you have to try the pomegranate cheesecake. It's the best cheesecake you'll ever have!" She exclaimed.

"Okay, we'll get one of each of those then." You giggled at her reaction.

As deep as you could fall into your own shit Gaby always knew how to cheer you up and you were just hoping it was enough to get you through lunch.

When your food arrived, you all dug in immediately.

"Woah, this is something else!" Dean gasped. "I might just have to visit you more often (Y/N), just to eat here."

"This is pretty good." You agreed.

"A hidden gem of Half Moon Bay." Gaby remarked. "So Dean, what do you do for a living?"

"I hunt." He said gruffly.

"Another hunter! Damn girl you really got a type huh?!" She laughed.

"Oh shut up Gaby." You muttered unimpressed.

"So like what kind of stuff do you hunt?" She inquired.

"He hunts with Sam." You interrupt.

"Oh, okay!"

"What the hell just happened?" Dean asked in confusion.

"I know about you're little gigs." Gaby giggled.

"You what?!" Dean exclaimed.

"No, but don't worry, I've got my own side hustle going on too!" Gaby reassured him.

"(Y/N), you've got some explaining to do. You mean to say that you're leaving team free will for a girl band?" Dean grumbled.

"No! No, I'm starting a new life here like I've been telling you but I just thought it would be safer if I stayed with someone who knew what was out there." You begin.

"Okay?" Dean says with suspicion.

"Gaby and I go way back. Her family was the closest thing I had to relatives so when my parents got taken away, they took me in. But the demons attacked her father and we were left to live with her mother. After witnessing all that we did, we tried to gather as much info about the demons as we could. We never went out to find them because we knew her mother couldn't bear losing us too. When we graduated she moved on to do her ocean conservation stuff and I went on to follow my own journalism path. The only reason you found me that night in the abandoned opium den searching for a demon was because I had gotten a lead to catch one of the demons that had taken my parents." You explained.

"I on the other hand realized that there's more out there than just fish, whales and sharks and I got introduced to a group of hunters who guarded the coastline for the most part. I joined their team and learned to catch and kill these creatures that found their way on our shores. But since my mom's had to move into a senior's residence I came back to Half Moon Bay to take a break from hunting things. So I'm currently working on an ocean conservation project here and I'm staying in my mom's old house. When (Y/N) told me about her accident and wanting to leave I thought I couldn't well leave my practically sister to live on her own unprotected." Gaby backed you up.

"And you never bothered telling Sam and I this?" Dean asked.

"You never asked." You chuckled as you felt some of the suspicion, awkwardness and tension fizzle away.

"Well, I'm glad you're in safe hands." Dean admitted.

"Told you so!" You punched him playfully.

"So what kind of things have you hunted?" Dean asked Gaby.

"Slimy shit. That's all you need to know." She laughed.

"Gaby! You never swear!" You shrieked in surprise.

"Hunting things has toughened me sis. It looks like it has toughened you too." She chuckled shaking your hand lovingly.

"Here's your pomegranate cheesecakes." The waitress interrupted your heart to heart talk by placing three plates down on your table.

"Thanks Kat!" Gaby thanked the waiter happily.

"Only for you Gaby." The waitress chuckled back.

"Wow, nicknames? When's the wedding?" You joke.

"Oh shut up." Gaby laughs.

"She's cute though, yeah?" You ask mischievously.

"Okay, yeah she kinda is." Gaby admitted.

"Wait, what- is, are you...?" Dean trails off, confused once again.

"Yeah, I'm gay but don't worry I'm not gonna take your girl, I tried a long time ago and that didn't turn out too well." She chuckled, amused at Dean's reaction.

"Oh my gosh, she had asked me to the prom and I thought she was asking as a friend. Then she tried to kiss me on the dance floor and I kissed her back thinking it was a joke but she was like shoving her tongue down my throat and I freaked out so I took a baguette from the dinner table and shoved it in her mouth!" You both laughed at the memory. "But we're just good friends now." You smiled at Dean taking his hand in yours and squeezed it reassuringly.

"Okay, I'm gonna trust you guys aren't gonna try and bang each other while I'm gone." He laughed.

"Oh you can count on the only one I'm gonna want banging me, is you." You whispered seductively in Dean's ear.

-

"Hey, I've got the day off today and I was thinking I could show you around the town if you're free?" Gaby inquired as you all filed out of the restaurant onto the bustling Main Street.

"Yeah sure." You said shrugging, turning to Dean. "We don't have anything going on right?"

"Nope, nothing going on." Dean agreed.

"Oh sweet! There's a really cute petting zoo about a twenty minute drive from here. I'm assuming you guys have a car?" Gaby asked hopefully.

"Yeah we do." You said.

"Can we take yours? 'Cause mine is at the shop, I had to get it cleared up after um...running over a slimy thing." She stated suspiciously.

"Can we?" You plead with Dean.

"Oh, okay fine. But I swear, Gaby, if you leave so much as a mark in the backseat of my car I am suing you." Dean threatened.

"Woah, okay, chill, I won't-" Gaby cut herself off whistling as you walked up to the Impala. "Hot damn, that's one hell of a car if I've ever seen one. A 1967 Chevrolet Impala? (Y/N), you definitely failed to mention your men have good taste in cars." She chuckles.

"Whatever Gaby, get in the car." You say.

Just as she promised, you all arrived at the petting zoo within twenty minutes.

"Gaby, do I trust you about this? 'Cause I hear an awful lot of children." You state as you felt Dean shift Baby into park.

"Yes, just trust me okay?"

Before you knew it, the three of you had spent well over three hours wandering the petting zoo and attractions. You had ridden a carousel, gone to buy ice cream and witnessed the birth of a baby goat.

"Okay, I take it back, this was really fun!" You exclaimed stuffing the last of the ice cream cone in your mouth.

"Told you so!" She teased you. "Okay, I saved the best for last. Let's see how much horror you guys can handle. Welcome to The Haunted House!"

"Oh come on, are you kidding me? We deal with real haunted houses on the regular." Dean groaned.

"You sure about that? It's pretty scary in there." Gaby taunted.

"Well, let's go then!" You chirped looping your arm with Gaby's, inevitably dragging Dean with you.

The house was cold the moment you walked in. Evil laughter and suspenseful music played through speakers above your heads. You all wound through the corridors as you struggled to find a way out.

"See this isn't that-" Dean stopped mid sentence and let out the most feminine scream you had ever heard come out of his mouth.

You and Gaby burst out laughing. "What is it Dean? Too scary for you to handle?" You joked.

"A cat wandered in okay? Cats are fucking creepy!" He whined.

"So you're telling me you can fight Lucifer himself but are extremely afraid of little kittens?" You scoffed bending down to search for the cat. You felt it nuzzle your hand and you picked it up and cradled it in your arms. "Come on cat, let's leave the real pussy behind." You smirked attempting to look in Dean's direction.

"That wasn't fair." Dean tried to argue as you all left the haunted house. "Gaby must have placed the cat in there knowing full well how much I hate cats."

"Oh come on, you're just a pussy, admit it to yourself already." You chuckled. "Hey Gabs, does the cat have a collar?"

"Hm..." You felt her take the cat from your arms. "It doesn't look like it." She placed the cat back in your awaiting arms. "We should probably notify the info centre."

"Hey James!" You heard Gaby call out as you approached the info centre.

"Gaby! How are you doing? It's been a while!" James replied.

"Good, good. What're you doing out here in Half Moon Bay?" She inquired.

"Oh I thought I'd take a break from hunting things y'know? That last hunt really hit us all hard. So I came here to do a ocean conservation project of sorts."

"Hey, me too! Maybe we could collab sometime!" She suggested.

"Yeah for sure. I'm guessing that's not what you came here to ask me though?"

"Oh no, we found a cat wandering the haunted house and thought we should inquire about it. Speaking of which, this is (Y/F/N) (Y/L/N) and Dean Winchester, my friends."

"Hi!" Both you and Dean greeted.

"Hi! Nice to meet you two!" He responded. "Well, we don't have any cats as part of the zoo and there aren't any residences around here. If you guys wanna bring the cat to the animal centre back in town, I'd suggest that's what you do. If you check back and no one's come to claim it, I'm sure you can just adopt it." You heard him say with a smile in his voice. "It looks like the cat really likes (Y/N)." He remarked.

"I might just have to adopt him!" You say.

"Thanks for your help James, and I'll catch up with you later yeah?" Gaby asks.

"Definitely!" James replies.

"Gaby, how is it that you're gay and still manage to attract the hottest guys?" You inquire as you get settled in the car cradling a now sleeping cat.

"One, I have no idea, I guess I'm just too flawless." You imagine her flipping her hair to emphasize her point. "Two, how did you know he was hot? You can't see?"

"He sounded hot, and I'm pretty sure every James I've ever met has been hot." You laugh.

"Hey, I'm still here y'know?" Dean complained.

"Oh Dean, you know no one will ever be able to take your spot in my heart." You exclaim cheesily as you smile dumbly at him.

"Ugh, you guys are adorable, just fuck already?!" She laughs as Dean backs up out of the parking space.

"Oh trust me, we have." Your cheeks heat up immediately the moment you let the words slip off your tongue and you feel Dean's wary eyes on you.

"And the plot thickens." Gaby mutters nervously as she senses the shift of mood in the Impala. "Anyone up for drinks at my place?" She asks trying to break the ice.

"Yes please." Dean mumbles.

"Count me in." You stutter nervously.

You all got tipsy during your drinking session at her house. You all shared stories of your hunting days and embarrassing stories of each other. At first you were reluctant that the alcohol had helped you loosen up and let your guard down after a long tension filled day trying to hold your tongue. By the time you and Dean had left Gaby's house you were both drunken messes as you stumbled your way back to the hotel which was luckily enough, not far from her house. When you reached your hotel room you had completely changed your mind about drinking and now dreaded the fact that it had not only loosened you up but loosened your tongue as well and now the hurting truth was spilling off of your lips and Dean's as well.

"(Y/N), I don't understand? Why did you tell Gaby we weren't dating? I get it if you want to keep it from Sam or something but why'd we have to lie to Gaby? She has nothing to do with Sam." Dean asked.

"Because we're not dating Dean!"

"What would you call this then?"

"I have no idea!"

"(Y/N), if you're scared or worried about a long distance relationship, you could've just asked so we could sort this out."

"We're not going to have a long distance relationship!" Your voice raised a pitch.

"Okay." Dean sighed. You felt him guide you to the bed and felt the bed shift as he took a seat beside you. "It sounds like we need to get on the same page here. And I know you might not want to talk about it now but I think we've got to because you already left Sam with loose ends and I don't think you should leave me with loose ends."

"Okay." You mumbled.

"So I'm just going to let you know how I feel and what I thought was going on and then you can let me know how you feel and what you thought was going on. Simple enough?" He inquired.

"Yeah."

"I thought we were together, dating, boyfriend and girlfriend situation. I thought you were just taking a break and that you were gonna come back eventually to Sam and I. I thought you just needed time to figure yourself out and process things. Right now, I feel confused and hurt and I feel manipulated and a little bit angry. But I'm trying to put all that aside to figure this out because I know that I loved you and I love you and I'm not gonna give up on us if you'll give us a chance. You're just too precious to not fight for."

"I feel embarrassed, tired, scared and sad. I honestly had no idea what we were. I really wanted to be with you. I think I loved you- no I love you. I can't hide it but I'm never coming back Dean. This is where I belong now and I didn't tell Gaby we were dating because I didn't want us to be real because then it'd be harder to let you go when you had to leave."

"Okay." He took a breath. "I'm not gonna lie, this is a lot to process but it seems like we've hit a dead end here huh?"

"Yeah." You agreed sadly.

"Just for closure, can I break up with you right now? Even if we weren't ever really together?"

"Why not."

"Okay, here it goes. (Y/N), I break up with you." You hear his voice crack.

"Dean Winchester, I break up with you too." Your voice cracks too.

Now this, this definitely feels wrong. You know for sure that you're gonna look back at this decision in twenty years and still believe it was the wrong choice, but how else was it supposed to go? You weren't going to live with him, he wasn't going to live with you and you couldn't handle a long distance relationship, you knew that for sure. This was the last option, to break up with him, even though you were never really together.

You both fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed that night, limbs far from touching. There was no sex, no making out, no cuddles or kisses, no whispers of your love for each other. The silence that hung between your thought muddled minds and sleepless bodies was a confirmation of the distance you were both willing to go to ensure the other had a chance at being loved by somebody else. It was a confirmation of the strength of your love for each other, so much so that you chose the better option but not necessarily the right one.

Dean left early the next morning and you heard him whisper "I'm never gonna stop loving you (Y/N)." before planting a kiss on your forehead and driving away into the dark mist of the early morning.


	7. Chapter 7

"Did you have fun fucking my ex-girlfriend?" Sam greeted grimly as Dean   
walked through the door.

"What do you mean man?" Dean sighed in   
exasperation. He had known that Sam was   
gonna give him shit for (Y/N) leaving, and he   
knew that, that was just going to be how Sam coped. He had mentally prepared himself on   
his drive back for the onslaught of arguments Sam would throw at him.

"You and her went out on your 'nice little road trip' for the week. So where is she huh? Naked in the Impala? Sneaking through your   
bedroom window?" Sam accused him, hands on his hips shooting him those 'I'm better than you' eyes.

Dean scoffed then started walking towards   
the couch. "She's gone dude."

"What do you mean she's gone?" Sam walked towards the older Winchester.

"She left. We weren't having a fucking fest, I   
drove her to California. She's never coming   
back." He explained shrugging off his jacket.

"What did you fucking tell her?!" Sam raised   
his voice, eyes going wide with realization that you really were gone.

"What do you mean what did I tell her? She   
chose to leave on her own accord." Dean   
looked at the younger brother sadly. Dean was tired, he'd had the roughest two weeks of his   
life. He didn't know what to think anymore, he felt like he had just lost another person he   
loved, in some ways he had, and now Sam   
was on his back accusing him of things he   
didn't do and he didn't know if he could take it.

"You're kidding right?" Sam ran a hand   
through his hair as he began pacing.

"Would you calm the fuck down, and no I'm   
not joking around Sammy." Dean rolled his   
jacket into a ball, placing it under his head as he rolled up onto the couch.

"How can I fucking calm down, (Y/N) just left, without saying goodbye, without telling me.   
What am I supposed to do now?"

"Move on." He replied gruffly shutting his eyes in annoyance.

"How am I supposed to move on when the last memory I have of her is in an argument?!"   
Sam was starting to seriously get on Dean's   
nerves.

"I don't fucking know Sammy. You didn't really treat her all that well now did you? If you're so damn stressed about ending on good terms   
go call her, go email her send her a fucking   
letter for all I care! Just shut the fuck up, I   
miss her too and it's no help that you're the   
one who drove her off in the first place!"

"And how are you supposed to know that?"   
Sam scoffed.

"She told me herself. She didn't feel like she   
belonged here 'cause I was the only one that   
appreciated her here, so she went to find a life somewhere else. Somewhere where she   
would be appreciated the way she deserves. If I have to see her with some other man to be   
happy so then be it, because I rather she be   
happy somewhere else than stuck with your miserably ungrateful ass."

"You were the only one who appreciated her? Oh please, don't let all that fucking go to your brain will you? Don't fool yourself Dean, you   
just took advantage of her 'cause she was   
finally free. You never go for someone more   
than a one night stand."

Dean got of the couch at was at the younger Winchester's face in a split second. Sam had cut the last of his thinning patience and he   
was gonna lose it.

"Don't you ever talk so lowly about (Y/N) ever again. You have no right to talk about 'taking advantage' because you treated her like shit.   
You never loved her, you just wanted her to be yours just to make me jealous. Just to flaunt around to make yourself feel better about   
being alone."

Sam threw a hard punch at Dean's face   
causing the older brother to stumble back,   
clutching his cheek with a grimace.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Sammy?!"   
Dean backed away, the side of his face   
beginning to throb with a dull pain. "Don't tell me you're possessed or something." He   
added.

"Stop fucking calling me Sammy!" He yelled in anger.

For the first time in a long time Dean finally   
got a good look at his younger brother. Dean   
didn't see the curious, and eager for adventure soul of the brother he once knew, no. Something was missing, the light, the laughter the bounce in his step.

"Sam?" Dean took a step closer to his brother analyzing Sam's pale and hollow face. "Hey?" Sam was shaking now, fidgeting with his hands, eyes darting anxiously throughout the room.

"Don't look at me like that." He spat out, shoulders hunching, curling into himself.

"Like what?" Dean stopped walking.

"Like I'm something you need to fix."

All at once the air that once floated through the room felt as though it had been completely sucked away and Dean could see it all so clearly. Sam wasn't well, but he didn't know what to do, it all felt so hopeless in that moment. Dean just stood there, tired and emotionally exhausted watching his brother waste away before his eyes and panic started to grow in his stomach.

"But I don't-" Dean started, but he didn't really know what to say. There's nothing he could say. They both knew something was wrong but neither knew how to approach the problem.

"It's fine okay? I'm fine." With that, Sam swiftly turned to walk back to his room leaving Dean alone with his own thoughts once again.

Dean didn't see much of his brother the next couple of weeks after their fight. He would try to talk to Sam through his closed bedroom door and he'd wait in the kitchen during meal times for Sam to come out and eat but the younger Winchester never answered or showed up. Dean felt the loneliness and worry begin to invade his mind as he roamed the bunker each day. He felt like he was living with a ghost. He wasn't one to give up easily but some days Sam felt too far to reach.

After a couple months of Dean trying to pry Sam open with deep heart to heart talks and emotion sharing with no luck, he came up with a brilliant idea. If Sam wanted to be treated normally, Dean would treat him normally and nothing said normal like a good old road trip and monster hunting case. So that's exactly what Dean did. After searching through newspapers of bordering towns he finally found one that appeared to be a possible werewolf case. A wolf like animal spotted around camps in Hastings Nevada corresponding with several gruesome deaths.

The case was going well, Dean and Sam were well on their way to catching the werewolf.

"So you said you saw it come around to your backyard?" Sam asked the witness through her screen door.

"Yeah, he was sneakin' 'round the back, prolly to eat the..."

Dean tuned out the conversation as he studied the tracks left by the so-called wolf. They were werewolf prints alright and they sure were big and-.

Dean's thoughts were cut off as the woman screamed "Oh my good lord!"

Dean flipped the safety off his gun as he turned just in time to see Sam collapse oh her porch.

"What happened?!" He yelled.

"Nothin' happened, I swear. The poor man just passed out without no warnin'." She stuttered.

"Do you have cold water?" He asked her, kneeling down to look at Sam's pale face.

"Of course! " She nodded shuffling away into her house.

"What'd you do this time Sammy?" Dean muttered checking Sam's weak pulse.

The woman came back with a cup of cold water and Dean took it gratefully before splashing onto his younger brother's face.

Sam woke up with a gasp. "What the fuck Dean?!" He exclaimed.

"What the fuck yourself pal, you passed out like a damsel in distress back there. You alright? "

"Yeah, I'm fine. We got the information we needed right?" Sam asked abruptly standing up and patting the dust off his uniform. 

"Yeah we did." Dean uttered looking worriedly at his brother. 

"Okay, then let's go." Sam beckoned getting to the car.

"Okay then..." Dean trailed off. "Well thank you kindly ma'am." He greeted to the witness before hopping into the car.

When the brothers got back to the motel Dean finally confronted Sam.

"Sam, what's goin' on with you? Have you been eating enough?" Dean studied Sam's face.

Sam stayed silent, denying the true answer.

"Okay, well from the looks of it, no." Dean came to the conclusion. "But the question is why Sam? Why are you hurting yourself like this?"

"Because it's one thing I can control." He spat out.

"Well hey, would you look at that, you're finally answering me!" Dean rejoiced. "So you feel like you can't control things Sam?" Dean asked as he sat next to his brother's hunched form.

Sam just nodded.

"How long've you been doing this to yourself?"

Sam shrugged. "Dunno, lost track. Since (Y/N) left?"

"Sounds like you need to talk to her." Dean said pulling out his phone.

"No!" Sam grabbed the phone out of Dean's hands. 

"Geez Sammy, I'm sorry!" Dean exclaimed, shocked at his younger brother's reaction. "We won't call her then, but can I try to get you to eat something?"

"Fine." Sam grumbled tossing Dean his phone back.

"Okay, I'm just gonna go grab some burgers at a burger joint a couple minutes from here. I'll be back okay?"

Sam just looked away as Dean left the motel room.

-

Images flashed through your head and you writhed in your bed as a scene played out. First you heard the electric flicker of lights, then the sound of trickling water, then the soft cries. Then suddenly your eyes opened to the grungy grout covered tiles of a motel shower. Your vision soon landed on Sam curled up in the bathtub looking the most wrecked you'd ever seen him. You tried calling out to him and for a second you thought you saw a glimmer of recognition in his watery bloodshot eyes. When the spark in his eyes vanished you searched the rest of his tear stained face, your eyes trailing over his unruly hair, the dark purple and puffy circles under his eyes, his all too prominent cheek bones which stood out from his gaunt face, and stubble around his jawline. 

Then you saw it, it wasn't water you heard dripping. In his unsteady right hand he held his hunting knife and everything slowed around you as he sliced the skin of his forearm slowly. You cried out for him to stop, the echo of your voice falling on deaf ears, he never looked up, he never stopped. He just kept cutting and cutting and you watched in horror as the bathtub filled with blood until it encapsulated him, drowning his broken body. You tried to reach your arms into the bathtub as the blood began spilling over the rim but you couldn't move, you couldn't save him. You screamed for Dean, for Gaby, for anyone to help you as the bathroom walls were splashed red. It was too late when you heard the voices and banging on the bathroom door, you were already drowning with Sam.

You woke up with a gasp, your face wet with tears.

"Hey, hey, are you okay?" You heard Gaby murmur quietly.

"No, no, Sam. He's not alright. I need to- oh gosh I don't have enough time to- how am I going to-." You stuttered out in full panic mode.

"Hey, wait, slow down. What's wrong with Sam?" She asked.

"He's going to hurt himself." You whimpered remembering his distraught face.

"You won't have enough time to drive there will you?"

"No." You muttered sadly.

"Can you call him? Will that stop him?"

"Maybe." You gasped jumping out of bed to stumble over to your phone charging in the wall.

"Do you need my help?" Gaby asked.

You nodded as you felt tears fall down your face again. "Will you stay with me? I need someone's hand to hold while I do this." You whisper, your voice cutting out at the end.

"I'll stay." You hear Gaby whisper then you feel her shoulder brush up against yours as she takes a seat beside you against your wall.

"Thank you." You whisper taking her hand in yours and gripping it tight as you say "Siri, call Sam Winchester."

"Please pick up Sam..." You muttered as the phone dialed. When the phone directed you to his voice message you redialed his number. Your heart was pounding harshly against your ribcage as you listened to the unbearable drone of the ringing phone. "Come on Sam, please pick up. Don't do this to me Sammy, not this time." You whispered desperately at the empty phone line. Just as you were beginning to lose hope you heard his broken voice at the end of the line answer.

"(Y/N)?"

"Sam?!" You cried. "Sam where are you?"

"In the bathroom." His voice cracked and you could hear he was on the verge of tears, so were you. You gripped Gaby's hand a little tighter and she gripped yours in reassurance.

"Sam. Please don't do it." You begged.

He was silent on the other side of the phone except his ragged breathing which was your only beacon of hope. He was breathing, he was still alive, you could still save him.

"Sam please. Don't do it. Don't cut yourself. Don't do it today, don't do it tomorrow. It won't help. I know from personal experience it won't take away the pain. You might think it will, but it won't help you forever. Sam please. Please don't do this. I- I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I really don't want to lose you Sam-" Your voice cracked as sobs made their way out of your mouth and you tried to listen for his breathing again. You could still hear it, steady on the other side of the line so you tried to continue. "I'm really sorry Sam, I know I fucked up. I shouldn't have left you guys but I didn't know what to do. And- and I'm sorry I never talked to you or told you I was leaving, I was a jerk. And- and I still think about how awful I was to you but I- I've sorted myself out now. I'm healing, I'm getting better the right way. But it hurts me to see you this way and I- I can't let you fall into the trap I did Sam, I can't. I owe it to you to not let you fall into the dark places I did. Sam I need you to trust me this time. And I- I really meant it- I can't lose you."

You listened for his breathing, it was still there.

"Sam? Talk to me Sam, let me know you're still there." You begged.

"I'm so close (Y/N)." He cried. "I could just press it down a little further and everything could just fade away. I could forget it all, I wouldn't have to feel."

"But we would Sam. Dean and Gaby and me. We would all feel it. Sam the pain never goes away, it just transfers. And- and I know you. You would never want to hurt Dean, but if you leave. Fuck, if you leave Sam, Dean's gonna be devastated. He cares about you Sam. I care about you." You held your breath waiting for his response.

"You do?"

"I do Sam. I really do and I'm gonna come back for you Sam. If I have to walk there I'm gonna walk there to get to you. To make sure you make it out of this. You don't deserve to be in that darkness Sam. You don't. No one does, and I feel like I put you there and I've got to get you out. So just put the knife down Sam. Put it somewhere you can't reach it, walk me through what you're doing."

"Okay." He whispers and you feel a flicker of hope spark in your chest. "I've tossed the knife under the sink and I can't reach it from the bathtub." You sigh in relief.

"Okay, Gaby's gonna call Dean to come see you okay? She's gonna tell him not to try and make you talk if you don't wanna but you need someone with you okay? You have to trust Dean, he's not gonna try to hurt you, he's not gonna get mad at you, he's not gonna make you talk. He just wants to make sure you're safe okay?"

"Okay." You hear his weak voice at the other end of the line. You nod to Gaby and you hear her fumble around for her phone.

"Sam, I want you to close your eyes and take four deep breaths with me while we wait okay?" You walk Sam through a breathing exercise. "Breath in for one, two, three, four..."

"Dean's driving back to the motel with food. He's about two minutes away." You hear Gaby whisper.

"You still there Sam?"

"Yeah."

"Can you open your eyes Sam and tell me five things you can see?"

"(Y/N), I don't wanna open my eyes, I might see the knife and-" He cried.

"Okay, okay, that's alright. How about five things you can hear?"

"Okay." He sniffled. "I hear the dripping tap, my heartbeat, my breath, I heard your voice, and..." He trailed off.

"Sam? Sam are you there?" You asked, trying not to let panic settle into your voice.

"...and I hear the Impala." He sniffled and you can almost hear a sigh of relief.

"Dean's gonna help you out okay? Try not to struggle against him too much and trust him. If you need him to do anything for you just let him know okay?"

"Okay." He croaked.

"Okay Sam, I want you to tell me what you hear okay? As Dean comes in so I can make sure you're okay?" You ask.

"I hear footsteps in the hall...and the keycard being placed in...I hear the door opening...the sound of a paper bag being placed down...and now Dean's calling for me...he's trying to unlock the bathroom door...I think he opened it."

"Sam, put me on speaker phone okay? So I can direct you guys?"

"Okay." He breathed.

"Dean are you there?"

"Yeah, (Y/N), I'm here."

"I want you to help Sam out of the bathtub okay? Reassure him that he can keep his eyes closed but you have to go slow okay? And bring him to the bed so he can sit down."

"Okay (Y/N)." You heard Dean's voice waver a bit.

You waited and listened as you heard thumping against the bathtub and 'okay's', 'nearly there's', and 'how are we doing's'.

"Okay, he's on the bed." Dean's voice answered.

"Give him something to hug, like a pillow and reassure him he can keep his eyes closed until you've cleared the place."

He heard shuffling for a while and then Dean spoke again.

"Okay, I've given him the pillow, now what?"

"Pack all the weapons, anything sharp, anything Sam can immediately hurt himself with, hide them away and don't forget to get the blade under the sink in the bathroom. Try to keep your eye on Sam."

"Okay."

You hear more shuffling, duffle bags beings zipped shut and heavy footsteps padding around.

"Okay done."

"Good, now you can reassure Sam that everything's put away and he can open his eyes."

You heard Dean murmur something to Sam and then an 'okay'.

"Dean, you're going to need to survey Sam for wounds, cuts, gashes, you need to patch him up and clean them out to make sure they don't get infected."

"Okay." Dean answered.

You waited patiently, your nerves strung tight. You rested your head against Gaby's shoulder and you felt her rest her head against yours. You were tired, your body was sore from sitting and your eyelids were heavy from the lack of sleep but you needed to make sure Sam was going to be okay until you could at least get to him. It seemed like an eternity before Dean informed you that he had finished patching Sam up.

"Sam, do you think you can eat something?"

"No." You heard him answer.

"Okay, do you think you can sleep?"

"I think I can try." He replied.

"Alright, try going to sleep Sam and don't worry, Dean's gonna be there if you need him okay? He's gonna take you home tomorrow and I'm gonna drive back to see you okay? But I need you to promise me one thing until I can get to you, you need to promise me you won't pick at your cuts. Do you think you can do that for me Sam?"

"Yeah." He answered weakly.

"Okay, get some rest now Sam, know that Dean and I love you okay? You're safe now and we're gonna get through this okay?"

"Okay." He yawned.

"Dean can you take me off of speaker phone, I need to talk to you in private."

"Okay." He answered.

"Sorry, can you just give me a second, I just need to..." You blow air out of your mouth harshly.

"Breathe?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"Me too." He answers.

You spend a minute just trying to calm your racing heart and calm your thoughts and feelings just enough to talk things through with Dean.

"Hey." You greeted.

"Hi."

"How are you doing?"

"Eh, I'm trying to hold on, for Sam." He sighed tiredly.

"Yeah, me too." You agreed.

"Um, let's just deal with Sam right now okay? Let's just put our relationship problems to the side for a second?" You asked.

"Yeah, that's probably for the best." He answers akwardly.

"I know how determined you guys are about your cases but you're gonna need to bring Sam back home. You guys can't continue this case."

"I know." He mumbled.

"When you get back to Kansas I need you to let me know so I can call you. You're going to need to get Sam admitted into a hospital and he might not be willing just yet but we need to reassure him that he's not going to go crazy, that he's not crazy, he's just not super healthy and we need to make sure he gets healthy again. They'll probably admit him and he'll be put under the care of psychiatrists but I'm sure he'll be out in a short while. They'll probably reference him to a doctor who will prescribe him the correct medication and he'll be able to go back home, but will need to be monitored at all times. I'm sure he won't have to go back to the hospital as long as he follows the doctor's orders. You just need to let him know that the sooner he goes to the hospital, the sooner he can go home. Reassure him that it'll just be like going to the hospital to get stitches for a bad wound he got on a case, only this wound is on the inside and it still needs to be stitched." You took a deep breath as you finished explaining the process.

"Wow, okay, this is a lot to take in not gonna lie." Dean said. "How do you know about all this?"

"Let's just say I've been through my fair share of tough times, but now I help others to make sure they don't fall down the same dark path as I did. But we can talk about this later when everything's settled. For now just make sure you keep an extra close eye on Sam and just go his pace okay?"

"Okay."

"Are you good to take it from here Dean?"

"Yeah." He said with a yawn.

"Okay, if you need anything call me immediately okay?"

"Okay."

"Goodnight Dean."

"Goodnight (Y/N)."

With that those three words were left caught in your throat 'I love you'. You had almost said them, they could slip off so easily and ending a phone call like that seemed so abrupt without saying those three special words but you needed to wait. You needed to push all that off to the side and put Sam front and center. He needed your help.

"How're you doing?" Gaby asked patiently.

You let out a big breath and leaned against her. "It's a lot to take in. It's some pretty heavy stuff I'm not gonna lie. I feel pretty spent in every way possible. But Sam is safe for now and that's all that matters right now." You say smiling slightly.

Sam was safe. You just prayed to anyone who would listen that Sam stayed safe until you could get to him.

"Will you drive me to Lebanon Kansas tomorrow?"

"Of course." You could hear her smile through her words of reassurance. Somehow she managed to make you feel like everything might just turn out alright, and you accepted that feeling with open arms.


End file.
